Introduction

The book of revelation is the final book in the Christian canon, i.e. the last book in the new testament. For an analysis of the other books Christian books, see The word according to Christianity (a page on this site).

A valid criticism of the previous books of the bible is that they are not really relevant to modern times. They are useful if you want to determine when you are allowed to cook a baby goat in its mother’s milk or for finding out that stealing is suspect, but for many other issues there really isn’t that much there for the modern-day reader.

There’s also the problem of the other books being terribly vague when it comes to the eternal plan and when that will happen. Thankfully, god finally realized the problem and brought everything together in this, the final, and revealing book of his magnum opus.

Or did he…?

(As usual, no attempt has been made to capitalize words that refer to fictional characters or places. All chapter links go to the external site RationalWiki.)

Chapter 1 – Revelation: events shortly to come. Seven Turkish churches. Introducing john: our scribe for the evening.

The chapter starts with “The revelation of jesus christ, which god gave unto him, to shew unto his servants things which must shortly come to pass“.

If jesus is god (or at least part of a joint deal), then why does he have to be shown something (“god gave unto him“)? Doesn’t jesus know all? It sure seems that jesus was just hanging out when he got a message notification.

So we are definitely servants then? Like, forever? Oh well. So a perfect end-times society still has a hierarchy? How far does that hierarchy extend? Is there any way in which an eternal hierarchy is going to lead to problems? For more details about the hierarchy to look forward to, see chapter 7 below.

How is “shortly” defined? It is believed that the book of revelation was written around 95 CE and since we are now in the second quarter of the 21st century, are we to take 1,930 years as being a reasonable interpretation for “shortly”? Based on the timeline of events around the era that the author(s) lived, the best part of two millennia sure doesn’t sound like “shortly”. It’s much more likely that the author(s) who invented the book just wanted to believe that the events they were creating were soon to happen. Remember that the book of revelation was written at least 60 years after jesus is supposed to have lived.

Also regarding “shortly”, there’s some administration to address. Note the following passages:

• matthew 16:28 – Verily I say unto you, There be some standing here, which shall not taste of death, till they see the Son of man coming in his kingdom.
• mark 9:1 – And he said unto them, Verily I say unto you, That there be some of them that stand here, which shall not taste of death, till they have seen the kingdom of God come with power.
• luke 9:27 – But I tell you of a truth, there be some standing here, which shall not taste of death, till they see the kingdom of God.

It’s statistically unlikely that any of the people jesus is supposed to be addressing with those statements was still alive in 95 CE (when revelation was written), however there is no possibility they could be alive almost 2,000 years later (when this page was written). And just noting (for the record) that, at the time of writing, the events in revelation have not occurred. This is a contradiction that the religious are very keen to hand-wave away.

And speaking of “authors”, who is supposed to have written the book of revelation? We are told in the final bit of the first verse that the work is being told to “his servant john”. Of course no one knows anything about the “john” in question, and strangely, that john doesn’t seem to have too much familiarity with the other books in the old and new testaments. In other words, the work is not definitively attributable to any historically identifiable person.

The author(s) seemed to anticipate authenticity issues as they next “confirmed” that john “bare the record of the word of god, and of the testimony of jesus christ, and of all things that he saw“. There are known to be between two and five “johns” in the bible, so it’s a pity that the authors didn’t give more details as to which one they are claiming recorded the chapter.

We’re then told that the book contains a prophecy and that we are lucky to be able to read it because “the time is at hand“. So according to the authors, “at hand” is covered by the passing of 1,930 years (and counting)? And what’s all that about a “prophecy”? Didn’t the omniscient creator of the universe know what would happen? A prophecy is a prediction of an event, so shouldn’t an omniscient god have been able to make a definitive statement of the events to come? The book sounds much more like a guess that someone was trying to make than divine revelation.

The text then describes something about peace and grace being directed to the seven churches in Asia and to the seven spirits that are before his throne. In this context, Asia is taken to be Asia-minor, which is modern-day Turkey. The seven churches are: Ephesus, Smyrna, Pergamos, Thyatira, Sardis, Philadelphia, and Laodicea. It’s not explained why the text should be centralized on Turkey or those churches. It’s also not explained what the seven spirits are, although some have speculated that they are angels (of course).

Note the early use of the number seven. When it doubt, it’s important to try to layer importance on a work via the mysterious and unexplained use of numerology. There’s a lot more of that to come in this book.

We’re then reminded that jesus was the “faithful witness and the first begotten of the dead” and how he was a “prince of the kings” who “washed us from our sins in his own blood“. Even better, jesus has transformed them into spiritual kings and priests who have direct access to god for ever and ever.

The book is an ebb and flow of topics at which the author(s) took stabs, and they often went too far in their enthusiasm for the subject. The next part of the text is an example of “too far” because apparently “he cometh with clouds; and every eye shall see him“. That’s another example of how the author(s) were ignorant iron-age men who thought that they were living on a flat Earth. It isn’t possible for every eye on a spherical planet to see an individual, no matter how high they are in the clouds. If they did realize they were on a globe, why didn’t the author(s) realize that people well over the horizon were going to miss out on the sighting?

We then get a reminder that the author(s) were making this stuff up because they suggested that all this “revelation”‘ was going to happen very soon when they wrote that the guys who pierced jesus (along with everyone else) would wail when they saw him in the clouds. Note to the author(s): the guys who (supposedly) pierced jesus are now long gone and are in no position to see him arrive at this point in the prophesied proceedings.

The lord then provides a bit of godly gloating by stating that he is the almighty “alpha and omega” (the beginning and the end). Well, we’ve all read about the “alpha” bit, but sorry to say that there’s no sign of the “omega” bit.

In case we were wondering, john then states that he was a suffering believer and preacher on the island of Patmos – a small, mountainous island just 40 miles (60 kilometers) off the coast of Turkey. Things then begin to get trippy as john states that one day he heard (behind him) a “great voice, as of a trumpet“. The voice claimed to be that of god and told him to write what he saw in a book and send it to the seven churches (in Turkey). Presumably that would have required seven books, or did he assume that once one church finished with it, that church would forward the book to the next church?

Then john turned and saw seven golden candlesticks and standing among them was jesus who was wearing a long dress garment that had a golden girdle. He had white hair, fiery eyes, and his feet were made from brass. His voice had the sound of “many waters“. He was holding seven stars in his right hand and a two-pronged sword was emerging from his mouth. He had a countenance as of the full sun. It’s not explained how someone could have a voice that sounded of water when there was a sword coming out of his mouth.

The seven-stars thing is interesting. It must be remembered that “revelation” was written during the high Roman period, and it is extremely likely that the author(s) were rebelling against Roman authority. Many Roman coins depict seven stars, and the following example (circa 82 CE) was therefore in existence just over ten years before “revelation” was written. It seems likely that john was writing in response to what he saw as Roman oppression.

The seven-stars-in-the-hand description also points to the ignorance of the author(s) who believed that stars were tiny objects stuck in the firmament just above the Earth’s surface. A god would have known better than to suggest that seven of them could be placed in someone’s hand. The smallest known stars are approximately 10% the mass of our sun and are therefore far too big to be handled.

Upon seeing jesus, john “fell at his feet as dead“. Perhaps jesus was checking for a pulse when he put his right hand on john and told him not to be afraid because he (jesus) was the first and the last. Weren’t we just told that god was the first and the last? How many firsts were there? Furthermore, jesus explained that he had been resurrected and that he would live forever and be able to judge and resurrect the dead.

The chapter concludes with jesus encouraging john to write down what he was seeing, and then by providing a brief explanation of all things seven: stars (which were angels) and candlesticks (which were churches).

Finally, an explained metaphor! Keep that in mind as you go through the chapters of revelation. Why would god need to use metaphors when passing on his message about the end times? Why create uncertainty, doubt and debate about actual events that he knew were to unfold? It does seem like, far from being a divine message, it was the writing of author(s) who were dealing with much more down-to-earth matters.

Chapter 2 – The report card for four Turkish churches. It’s not good. jesus smash, with iron.

This chapter is going to deal with the state of play of four of the seven churches mentioned in the previous chapter.

First, the church of Ephesus is given a going over. It seems that they were fairly good in that they worked hard, couldn’t bear evil, and had sorted out the true apostles from the liars (oh, the irony), however they had messed up by not treating jesus as their first love. They were slightly redeemed as they hated the deeds of the nicolaitanes (supposedly an early Christian sect), however it was worth a reminder that if they didn’t stick to the straight and narrow, they would be removed from the list of stars and candlesticks (remember that metaphor from the previous chapter?). They also risked not being able to eat from the tree of life – which was apparently growing “in the midst of the paradise of god” (see chapter 22, below).

Next, it’s onto the church of Smyrna. They are told that they should bear their persecution and poverty, and that when they were falsely imprisoned (by the devil and/or people who pretend to be Jews), it would only be for ten days. (It’s good to note numbers like that because they are likely to be on the test.) The people of the church were told not to fear persecution because they were on track to receiving “a crown of life” and an excellent survival chance of “the second death“.

Then, the church of Pergamos gets a mention – and it’s not all good news. They did show good adherence to jesus’ name despite being in an area that was rife with satanists (who apparently had martyred someone named antipasto antipas), however they were putting a little too much importance on the “doctrine of balaam“. That wasn’t good because balac followers were inclined to “eat things sacrificed unto idols, and to commit fornication“. Yeah, right: does anyone really believe that the levites didn’t do both of those things? But it gets a bit worse because the guys in this church also dabbled in a bit of “the doctrine of nicolaitanes“, and for that they are told to repent or else jesus would fight them with a sword in his mouth. Luckily, for those who would overcome, there was the promise of “hidden manna” and “a white stone“.

Finally, the church of Thyatira is addressed. It’s pointed out that the message is being sent from someone who is representing a jesus who “hath his eyes like unto a flame of fire, and his feet are like fine brass“. Again, it’s a mixed bag for this church because even though they were commended for their “works, and charity, and service, and faith, and thy patience“, they were condemned due to their taking seriously a “woman jezebel, which calleth herself a prophetess, to teach and to seduce my servants to commit fornication, and to eat things sacrificed unto idols“. Even though that woman had been given plenty of prior correction and opportunity, she apparently continued on her unrepentant ways. The threats got worse because the author(s) promised that jesus was going to “kill her children with death” and would deliver some payback “according to your works“.

In summation, the text promises that anyone who “keepeth my works unto the end, to him will I give power over the nations“. There’s also a bit about how jesus intended to rule over “them” with a rod of iron and smash people who strayed into broken shivers. Violence: that’s the spirit! Cryptically, there’s the promise that those who really believe will get “the morning star“. The what?

This chapter is a classic case of building an argument on top of faulty foundations. Every character in the chapter is a fiction, however the author(s) built a case out of those fables. For example, “nicolaitanes” are mentioned twice, however there is zero non-biblical evidence that such a group existed. The author(s) couldn’t have been that stupid, so it’s much more likely that the writing was a deliberate political marketing exercise aimed at replacing one idiotic dogma with another idiotic dogma.

Exactly why this is placed into a book titled “revelation” is not clear because it sounds very much like a bit of local squabbling, instead of a message to all people for all time (as the reader might be expecting from a “revelation”). Church sects today hate it when a different sect steals their limelight (and customers), and it was no different in the late first century.

Chapter 3 – The report card for three Turkish churches. It’s not good.

This chapter continues the theme of the previous chapter and covers the state of play of the remaining three (of the seven) churches in Turkey.

Firstly, the church of Sardis was told to repent because jesus had “not found thy works perfect before god“. Failure to repent was promised to be met with retribution by someone who “will come on thee as a thief, and thou shalt not know what hour I will come upon thee“. Admittedly, there were some in the church who “have not defiled their garments” and who were therefore worthy. For those, jesus promised that they would wear white clothes and would not be blotted out of “the book of life“.

Next, the church of Philadelphia was generally commended for their good works and non-denial of jesus, despite having little strength. There is then a promise that those who use “the synagogue of satan” and pretend to be Jews would be made to worship at the feet of those in the church. All in all, a pretty good scorecard, and jesus even goes as far as promising the church that its members will be spared the “hour of temptation, which shall come upon all the world“. Proceed to Go and collect $200. Promised rewards include: being made into “a pillar in the temple of my god” and living in the “city of my god, which is new Jerusalem” where “I will write upon him my new name“.

Lastly, it’s on to the church of Laodicea, and it’s not all good in those parts. Apparently they were “neither cold nor hot” and therefore jesus promised to “spue thee out of my mouth“. Yuck. It seems that the church members had become rich and were in “need of nothing“, however jesus assured them that they were actually “wretched, and miserable, and poor, and blind, and naked“. They were then told to find their “riches” in another way, e.g. by following jesus. There were some good members of the church, but it was running at about fifty-fifty.

To round off the rebuking, we’re told that “if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and sup with him, and he with me“. Further, anyone who does manage to overcome will get to sit with jesus (and his dad) “in my throne“. And finally final: “he that hath an ear, let him hear what the spirit saith unto the churches“.

The two chapters are nothing but marketing based on a formula: invent a problem, tell people that they have the problem, and then try to sell them your solution to the problem. It worked then and it’s how companies sell hair-care and deodorant products (and religion) today.

It’s worth noting how unspecific it all is. There’s no mention of actual people and events. If you were taking the time to write to an organization about perceived issues, you’d make sure to detail a case involving specific people, places, dates, events and consequences. Either john was lazy, or he didn’t really have a case, or the whole thing is an invention.

It’s worth mentioning that “john” is writing these letters in the tone of the actual words of jesus, e.g. “for I will come on thee as a thief“. How could the author(s) have possibly known what jesus (up there somewhere) thought about particular churches since he had (supposedly) died over 60 years before the book of revelations was written? It’s all a guess made by a fictional character (john) who was invented by superstitious and ignorant men – for the purpose of desperately trying to retain hold of power.

It’s also curious how everything so far is centered on (modern day) Turkey. It’s worth reminding that whoever john was, he was located pretty close to Turkey. For some reason, the state of affairs of the churches in Canaan, Jordan, Syria, Egypt, Iraq, Iran, Saudi Arabia, etc. aren’t mentioned. So that would be 65 books dealing with the events in those areas, and in this final book only some of the churches in “Asia Minor” (Turkey) are considered? It sure seems like the author(s) were more interested in local squabbles as opposed to global revelation.

Chapter 4 – john’s visit to heaven (up there). A throne, 24 elders, lightning, thunder, four beasts.

This is the chapter where the rubber starts to hit the road. We were promised “revelation” and this is finally going to be it!

Or is it?

Upon having a careful look around, john saw a door that was open to heaven and heard a voice “as it were of a trumpet” telling him to come on in to see things “which must be hereafter“. And there you have it: credibility destroyed before things even started. Note the use of “must be“? That’s written by someone who hasn’t got a clue about things, but has just decided that there has to be more to life than what has already been witnessed – and will invent accordingly.

So john got in the spirit, entered heaven, and immediately saw a throne on which someone (presumably god) sat. Here’s a summary of the scene:

• “god” didn’t have human-like features; instead, he radiated like jasper (holy) and sardine (red) stone.
• There was a rainbow that shone like emerald.
• Around the throne were 24 seats with 24 elders in the seats. They were dressed in white and had crowns of gold. Those are stated as being actual people, so the question raises about who this level of management is supposed to represent? 12 tribes plus 12 apostles (including judas)? Who knows? It’s a pity that the text doesn’t elaborate. Tired of being seated, the elders did “fall down before him that sat on the throne, and worship him that liveth for ever and ever“. They then said “Thou art worthy, O lord, to receive glory and honour and power: for thou hast created all things, and for thy pleasure they are and were created“. Whatever. But note the extension of a hierarchy, and note that you aren’t part of it.
• “Out of the throne proceeded lightnings and thunderings and voices“.
• Before the throne were seven swans a-swimming “seven lamps of fire“, which were apparently “the seven spirits of god“.
• “Before the throne there was a sea of glass like unto crystal“.
• And “in the midst of the throne, and round about the throne, were four beasts full of eyes before and behind“. They had faces like: a lion, a calf, a man, and an eagle. Each of the beasts had six wings and they didn’t rest day or night because they constantly said: “Holy, holy, holy, lord god almighty, which was, and is, and is to come” (which must have become tiresome after about three minutes). They also gave glory and honor and thanks to “him” that sat on the throne. This is mystical decoration to try and awe the reader into acceptance.

In case you’re having trouble putting all that together, here’s an interpretation based on the text:

No, really, that is how the omniscient creator of two-trillion galaxies in a single day thought it best to spend his time and how to display his magnificence. (Image taken from a site that did not attribute copyright.)

It’s a pity that the text doesn’t detail what “medication” john was on when he wrote this stuff. It’s obvious that the invented scenario is a product of its time designed to impress people of the time. Today, we’d probably throw in some lasers, drones and audio-visual technology (e.g. floor-to-ceiling 8K video panels with 7.1 channel surround sound), and we’d also include more about comets, planets, stars and galaxies.

So perhaps this chapter was not quite the “revelation” we were promised? Maybe that’s coming up?

Chapter 5 – john spies a quest item: a book with seven seals. Far too many angels arrive.

Apparently the lord had a quest item! It was a book that john states that he saw in the right hand of the throne-sitter. The book was “written within and on the backside, sealed with seven seals“. A (strong) angel popped up and asked who was worthy to open the book? On the basis of the present company, that would seem to be a rhetorical question. So if there were less strong angels, then there would have to be degrees of strongness when it comes to angels? (By the way, there’s no such thing as angels so the authors were just off and running at this point.)

The text states that “no man in heaven, nor in Earth, neither under the Earth, was able to open the book, neither to look thereon“. (Wasn’t john looking thereon?) This seemed to upset john who started blubbing weeping. Why? Didn’t he believe that god could sort it out? Couldn’t god open the book? Is it really worth crying over? Out of interest, if the elders were so trusted that they had been given a seat around the throne of god, why couldn’t one of them have read the text? So they were imperfect enough to not be trusted to read text but “perfect” enough to be trusted to be one of 24 (out of billions) of people to sit close to god? Sounds like there’s some wiggle room for everything in this (imagined) scenario.

Speaking of elders, one of them pipped up and told john not to worry because there was someone who could open and read the book, and he had arrived. “In the midst of the throne” there “stood a lamb as it had been slain, having seven horns and seven eyes, which are the seven spirits of god sent forth into all the earth” – which was laying the numerology on with a trowel. Why seven? Would the whole lot not have worked if it was six or eight or 17 or 42?

The lamb (and I think we can guess who that might be), took the book from the right hand of god. That act had a profound effect on the four beasts and 24 elders because they promptly fell down before the lamb. Basically the place is an OH&S nightmare.

We are then told that the elders all had harps and “golden vials full of odors, which are the prayers of saints“. Okay, okay, timeout. So the electrical and chemical firing of synapses in the human brain (as people prayed) somehow managed to transmit and render into odoriferous liquid collected in vials? Note the multi-sense aspect to the fable. We were given a lavish description (sight) and now we are told that there are harps and odors (hearing and smell).

We then get a chorus of the angels and the beasts and the elders who sang a song and stated loudly about how “worthy is the lamb that was slain to receive power and riches and wisdom and strength and honor and glory and blessing“.

Strangely, the number of the “angels round about the throne and the beasts and the elders” was “ten thousand times ten thousand, and thousands of thousands“. We know that there were 24 elders and four beasts, so the rest was made up of angels? Ten thousand times ten thousand is 100 million and thousands times thousands is (say) 10 million. So there were about 110 million (including the 28 elders and beasts)? And they were gathered “round about the throne“? In case you were wondering, 110 million (densely packed) standing people would occupy a circle with radius approximately 1.8 miles (3 kilometers). So who were the 110 million angels? Are they another layer of management between the billions of humans and the 24 elders?

To end the chapter: “every creature which is in heaven, and on the earth, and under the earth, and such as are in the sea, and all that are in them, heard I saying, blessing, and honor, and glory, and power, be unto him that sitteth upon the throne, and unto the lamb for ever and ever“. To that, the four beasts said “amen” and the 24 elders “fell down and worshiped him that liveth for ever and ever“. So fish can hear? What does “for ever and ever” mean when something is happening now? How did the observers know that it would happen forever?

It turns out that this chapter wasn’t so much about “revelation” as it was more about hero worship. The chapter is about inventing a scenario in which only one person can do something, and he does it. Why couldn’t anyone have opened the book? Simply take the book, apply a basic knife to the seven seals, and hey presto: a book that can be opened and read. Was the book magically held shut to all but one person? That sort of diminishes the “wonder” of the events. The creation of the artificial scenario of a magic book that can be opened by just one being is a phantasmagorical device designed to place the reader into a state of awe and wonder. It’s a literary device, nothing more.

Chapter 6 – the first six seals are opened. Four horsemen arrive followed by martyred souls. The sun goes dark and the moon goes bloody.

This chapter is a list of what happens when six of the seven seals were opened by the “lamb”. The opening of the first four seals were accompanied with one of the four beasts saying “come and see” (a different beast each time). Yes, this is the chapter that introduces the “four horsemen of the apocalypse”.

• Seal 1. With thunder playing in the background, john saw a white horse with a rider who had a bow and a crown. The rider “went forth conquering, and to conquer“. Well that’s nice and unspecific.
• Seal 2. This time it was a red horse and the rider (with a great sword) had the power to “take peace from the earth, and that they should kill one another“. How did john gather that from what he saw? How did he know, for instance, that the rider’s power wasn’t to produce a cola that was more popular than Coke or Pepsi? So the problems on Earth were not entirely of mankind’s doing, instead, they were because a rider was to remove peace so that people would want to kill each other (even more)? How does that fit into the concept of free will?
• Seal 3. It’s on to a black horse with a rider who carried a pair of balances in his hand. Somehow a voice from “the midst of the four beasts” informed john that “a measure of wheat for a penny, and three measures of barley for a penny; and see thou hurt not the oil and the wine“. This is supposed to be an indication of hard times and how certain crops had to be protected. This rider is often associated with famine.
• Seal 4. The fourth rider was seated on a pale horse and had a name of “death”. Well, what are you going to grow up to be when someone names you “death”? Even worse, “hell” followed death everywhere, although how john could deduce that from his hallucination is unclear. This rider was given power over one quarter “of the earth, to kill with sword, and with hunger, and with death, and with the beasts of the earth“. It’s not mentioned why the rider was not permitted to ply his trade in the other three quarters of the planet.
• Seal 5. Upon the fifth seal being opened, john saw under the altar (which altar?) “the souls of them that were slain for the word of god“. In other words, they were the “martyrs” who had wasted their lives and who were eventually called to justice for inflicting their death cult on others. Still, those “souls” wondered how long they had to remain under the altar – which is a fair question. To cheer them up, the lord issued them white robes and told them that they had to wait a bit longer because many other fundies first had to be killed – which is not such a fair answer. The answer doesn’t even attempt to address the time element of the question.
• Seal 6. The opening of the sixth seal takes it up a notch because john became aware of “a great earthquake; and the sun became black as sackcloth of hair, and the moon became as blood; and the stars of heaven fell unto the earth, even as a fig tree casteth her untimely figs, when she is shaken of a mighty wind“. This fits nicely with the ignorance of the author(s) in previous books who thought that the stars were pin-points of light in the firmament, so of course they can be dislodged and fall down, right? Unfortunately, the “scientific” fundies can’t explain this one through natural processes because a blood moon cannot occur at the same time as a solar eclipse. Those who say that the stars thing is an analogy for angels are out of luck because the text explicitly states that the stars falling are similar to figs being dislodged from a tree. That’s an attempt to explain a (hoped-for) natural process, not an analogy (which wouldn’t require explanation).

Following the opening of the sixth seal, the “heaven departed as a scroll when it is rolled together and every mountain and island were moved out of their places“. Again, this is confirming what the superstitious and ignorant author(s) believed about the nature of our planet, e.g. with its “firmament”. There’s no point continuing with the concept of people if mountains and islands were to move independently to the tectonic plates they are known to be upon. Everything would have become a deathtrap if mountains and islands were moving.

Still, the events apparently were to cause the kings, great men, chief captains, mighty men, bondmen, the rich, and every free man to hide themselves in caves. Bloody hell, who can blame them? Wouldn’t you hide if you saw a mountain moving in an unexpected way? But apparently, no; the real reason people were going to hide was to avoid “the face of him that sitteth on the throne, and from the wrath of the lamb“. Perhaps the people didn’t quite trust the “god of love” claim?

Yep, apparently “the great day of his wrath is come; and who shall be able to stand“? Remember that none of the “events” were actually happening and all this was just the “vision” that was happening to john. That’s right: all of what was supposed to follow this nonsense (over the next 2,000 years) was because one guy wrote down some stuff that he claimed he had imagined.

Chapter 7 – The hierarchy of revelation.

This chapter attempts to get more specific about the “revelation” and does introduce some numbers.

Firstly, john tells us that he saw “four angels standing on the four corners of the Earth“. Oh, really? Do tell us john, where are the four corners? No matter where an angel stood, it would be possible to take one step further back towards the “corner”. This one is really strange because it shows that the author(s) not only believed that the Earth was flat, but that it was also square (e.g. not a disc). Before someone screams: “metaphor”, remember that the angels were on the corners for a specific purpose: to hold back the winds (that apparently only came from four directions) so that nothing would blow on the Earth or sea or tree. Winds may predominate, but they don’t come from only four directions. If it was a metaphor, where were the angels standing? Oh, and of course, there’s no such thing as angels.

Next in the fable, another angel descends from the east and, with the “seal of the living god”, cries out that the other four angels should not hurt the earth of the sea. It’s hard to discern from the text how the other four were hurting anything, but okay. The reason for not hurting the earth or the sea was that there had to be a chance for 144,000 servants from the tribes of Israel to be protected (“sealed in their foreheads”).

The text then gives the breakdown of the large number of servants just mentioned. Apparently there had to be 12,000 from each of the following 12 tribes: juda, reuben, gad, aser, nephthalim, manasses, simeon, levi, issachar, zabulon, joseph, and benjamin. The weird thing about this list is that the tribe of dan is not mentioned in the list, and since joseph had two sons: manasseh (who is mentioned in the list) and ephraim (who isn’t mentioned), it’s strange that he (joseph) is listed instead of his son, ephraim. It looks like the text was written by someone not overly familiar with the “history” that was written about 600 years earlier.

Of course, no one has the slightest idea of who currently is in which tribe, and in fact the tribes were inventions of iron-age men as they created their “exodus” fable – see the book of numbers for more details (a link to a page on this site). Based on the numbers given in previous texts, there are going to be an awful lot of tribesmen who will miss out on being in the 12,000 chosen for their tribe. Oh, well.

Not to worry because the text then assures us that “a great multitude, which no man could number, of all nations, and kindreds, and people, and tongues, stood before the throne, and before the lamb, clothed with white robes, and palms in their hands“. We’re back to the logistical problem of what has to be millions of people trying to take a look through that door that john had to enter to get to the throne room. Still, this army of servants in white managed to call out “salvation to our god which sitteth upon the throne, and unto the lamb“.

So we now have another layer of management, and that extends the hierarchy to:

• 1 god
  • 1 jesus
• 24 elders
  • 4 beasts
• 110 million angels
• 144,000 servants in white robes
• a great multitude of believers (too many to number)
• billions of unbelievers (most likely you)

Then all the angels (what, all 110 million of them?) stood around the throne and along with the elders and beasts did fall on their faces and did worship god. Not sure about you, but I’d pay to see 110,000,0028 creatures fall on their faces. Presumably with a great deal of rehearsal and skillful timing they did all say “amen: blessing, and glory, and wisdom, and thanksgiving, and honor, and power, and might, be unto our god for ever and ever. amen“.

There’s always one, because one of the elders piped up with a question: “what are these which are arrayed in white robes, and whence came they?“. Strangely, john answered with “sir, thou knowest“. That’s strange because the elder in question then proceeded to supply the answer to his own question: “these are they which came out of great tribulation, and have washed their robes, and made them white in the blood of the lamb“. Exactly what role was john serving if one of the elders was answering to him? Why would one of the elders ask a question to which he already knew the answer?

Apparently the servants were there to serve god “day and night in his temple“. What temple? Perhaps the “temple” was everywhere because it was stated that god was going to “dwell among them“.

And then we get the marketing hook: “they shall hunger no more, neither thirst any more; neither shall the sun light on them, nor any heat. For the lamb which is in the midst of the throne shall feed them, and shall lead them unto living fountains of waters: and god shall wipe away all tears from their eyes“. There you go: if you go along with all this, your troubles will be over!

What’s wrong with the sun shining on someone (apart from the occasional skin cancer, of which the author(s) knew nothing)? There is zero indication about how the lamb was planning to feed 144,000 people, and we are still waiting for anything concrete to eventuate from the “revelation”. We do know a little more about the hierarchy and the (sort of) numbers involved. The most important thing to remember at this stage is: that there is a hierarchy and that you are most likely at the bottom of it. It’s sad how the only realistic people in the model are the ones at the bottom. Remember that religion has only ever been about one thing: control of others.

Chapter 8 – A magic bowl causes thunder and an earthquake. Four angels play the trumpet. Many men died.

Remember how a couple of chapters ago the first six seals (protecting the book that only the lamb could operate) were opened? Well, it’s time to go for that all important seventh seal, and it’s a real doozy.

At first, nothing happened because there was silence “in heaven” for about 30 minutes, however john saw that preparations were being made via the allocation of seven trumpets to seven angels. Also, another angel came to the altar with a golden censer (a bowl with lid) and received “much incense, that he should offer it with the prayers of all saints” (remember the golden vials full of odors?). This concoction was lit and the smoke ascended up before god.

The angel filled the censer with fire from the altar and cast it into the earth, which caused voices, thunder, lightning and an earthquake. Fire from a bowl that fits in the hand cannot lead to those things, so that’s more magic. Also note the limitation of events to being just the scary things known to author(s)? Storytellers today would describe more fantastical things, but that’s all they had back then (when they invented the story). We then get a description of what happened when each angel fired off a volley from their trumpet:

• First angel: “hail and fire mingled with blood“: causing the burning up of one third of trees and all the green grass.
• Second angel: “a great mountain burning with fire was cast into the sea: and the third part of the sea became blood“. Also, a third part of the sea creatures died and a third of the ships were destroyed. There’s no mention of what proportion of the submarines were affected.
• Third angel: “there fell a great star from heaven” “upon the third part of the rivers and upon the fountains of waters“. Apparently the star was called “Wormwood” and “the third part of the waters became wormwood and many men died of the waters because they were made bitter“. Wormwood is thought to be the bushy plant absinthium (used in the alcoholic spirit absinthe). Note again that the author(s) believed that stars were small objects in their invented firmament.
• Fourth angel: A third part of the sun, moon and stars were blocked and therefore both the day and night only worked for a third their usual time. What? Why should blocking a third part of the sun cause only two-thirds of a normal day? The author(s) had abandoned reason at this point.

There’s no explanation as to why “many men died” as a result of the third angel? More killing in the name of ideology? What did those men do wrong except to exist in the wrong place? There’s also no explanation as to why one third of things were affected? Why not a quarter or a half or 6/17?

We’re over half way (with the angel-trumpet thing), but the “best” is yet to come. To emphasize that, a different angel flew past saying “woe, woe, woe” to announce the three angels yet to come. There’s no explanation as to how people on the other side of the planet were to witness the bits and pieces of the pantomime? It’s almost as if the author(s) didn’t realise that they were standing on a globe of radius 3,959 miles (6,371 kilometers).

The author(s) felt it important to take a break at this point, and you should too (hence the chapter break). If it is really too much for you, try this little trick: replace the word “trumpet” with “kazoo” and see how far you get in the text without giggling. Honestly, it makes as much sense in the global scheme of things.

Chapter 9 – The 5th angel operates the bottomless pit. The 6th angel causes one third of men to die.

This chapter deals with the next two angels.

The fifth angel starts with a familiar theme: that of a star falling “from heaven unto the earth“. For the record god, stars don’t fall to earth. Following the falling “star”, the angel was given “the key of the bottomless pit“, which he promptly opened. The bottomless pit then issued smoke (as from a great furnace) which darkened the sun and the air. From the smoke issued locusts (with power similar to that of scorpions) which harmed only “men which have not the seal of god in their foreheads“, and therefore did not harm grass, plants or trees.

As an aside, there’s no such thing as a bottomless pit. A pit without a bottom is a tube that would continue through the entire planet – which of course is impossible. This is another example of why science should not be replaced with superstition.

The locusts were only to torment men for five months. We’re told that men would seek death during that time however they “shall not find it“. It gets much weirder as we’re told that the locusts were actually in the shape of “horses prepared unto battle; and on their heads were as it were crowns of gold, and their faces were as the faces of men“. Not only that, but the locusts had “hair of women“, “teeth of lions“, “breastplates of iron” and “the sound of their wings was as the sound of chariots of many horses running to battle“. Note the need to denigrate women. Finally, the description is rounded out with “they had tails like unto scorpions, and there were stings in their tails“.

We’re then told that the angel who watched over the “bottomless” pit was a king whose name was abaddon (apollyon, in Greek). Sounds like that one will be on the test (since no names were mentioned for the preceding angels). Only two “woes” to go.

The sixth angel let loose and that caused “a voice from the four horns of the golden altar” to tell the angel to “loose the four angels which are bound in the great river Euphrates“. These had been preparing for one year, one month, one day and one hour to slay one third of men.

To help out in the genocidal killings, there was an army of the horsemen that numbered 200 million. The horsemen themselves had “breastplates of fire, and of jacinth, and brimstone: and the heads of the horses were as the heads of lions; and out of their mouths issued fire and smoke and brimstone“. And that army did a fine job of killing one third of the men in the world. The relevance is not explained but apparently the horses had tails like serpents.

However the message didn’t get through because the two-thirds of men who were not killed failed to repent of their works (murders, sorceries, fornication and thefts) and of their devil worship involving “idols of gold, and silver, and brass, and stone, and of wood“. Apparently those idols weren’t much good because they couldn’t “see, nor hear, nor walk“. Point of order: they also killed no one, unlike a certain deity who had just wiped out one third of all men. Of course women still don’t get a mention.

To the fundies (who would have us believe that we are in the end times), where is the army that consists of 200 million soldiers? And that’s not just an army of believers who force nonsense brochures on people outside of railway stations; that has to be a proper army who is trained to kill one third of men on Earth – about 1.4 billion guys who don’t want to be killed and will fight back. This is another indication that the entire story is a prediction that didn’t come true in the timeframe that the original author(s) believed it would. No way did those guys write their fable with the belief that there would be over 8 billion people on Earth.

Chapter 10 – An intermission between angels during which john is told to eat a book.

We then have a little interlude before the last angel cranks it up. This was signified by the arrival of a (different) mighty angel who was “clothed with a cloud: and rainbow was upon his head, and his face was as it were the sun, and his feet as pillars of fire“. The angel had a little book open as he set one foot on the land and one on the sea, and he cried with a loud voice with seven thunders.

Even though john was about to jot down messages portrayed by the voices of seven thunders, he was ordered to suppress those. That is an interesting device used by the author(s) to imply that there really was more to the entire thing, but of course only god knows that and he isn’t telling anyone. According to the angel, the time was fast approaching when “the mystery of god should be finished“. That time shall be marked by “the voice of the seventh angel“, “as declared to his servants the prophets“.

Weirdly, the interlude angel instructs john to eat the little book and promises that it would taste sweet but would be bitter in his stomach. According to john, that’s exactly how it played out when he ate the book. That is obviously laying on a metaphor with a trowel.

Finally, john is told “thou must prophesy again before many peoples, and nations, and tongues, and kings“. So was john meant to go on a road trip before the end of times?

Chapter 11 – John is told to do some measuring. Two witnesses emerge. 7,000 more die. The 7th angel lets loose.

Before the angel-number-seven reveal, there was some practical housekeeping to be done because john was instructed to take a reed and measure the “temple of god, and the altar, and them that worship therein“. However he was instructed not to measure the court surrounding the temple because that was given to the gentiles who were to occupy it for 42 months. Didn’t god know the size of these things? Why was it necessary for the one suffering the hallucination to get out the tape measure?

Even weirder was the instruction that god was going to give power to two witnesses who would prophesy for 1,260 days, clothed in sackcloth. The two witnesses were described as being like olive trees and candlesticks “standing before the god of the earth“. The text warns that if anyone was to try and hurt the witnesses, then they would be killed via fire emanating from the witnesses’ mouths. Further, the witnesses would have the power to: shut heaven, stop the rain, turn water to blood, and send plagues.

However it was not all good news for the witnesses because god promised that as soon as they had finished their 1,260 days of testimony, a beast would emerge from the bottomless pit and kill them. The lord then stated that the witnesses’ “dead bodies shall lie in the street of the great city, which spiritually is called sodom and Egypt, where also our lord was crucified“.

It gets worse for the witnesses because apparently the people of the world would see their dead bodies for 3.5 days and wouldn’t be tempted to put them in graves. Further, the people would rejoice over the deaths and would send each other little gifts to celebrate. That might be because the witnesses were said to have tormented the people of Earth.

Unfortunately for the people, another miracle (also known as magic) was to happen whereby the witnesses would be resurrected, and that would naturally cause fear in those that saw it. So how many people would see the event? A few hundred? At the current rate, there’s going to be upwards of 9 billion people on the planet before all these prophesies are due to happen, so two fellows brought back from the dead isn’t going to get wide coverage, is it? Or did god assume that Fox and CNN would be covering the event? Strangely that there’s no mention of broadcast rights in the book of revelation. Didn’t god realise that something called “the media” was on the way?

The zombie witnesses wouldn’t have to endure the staring of the people for long because a voice urged them to “come up hither“, and they did. It was stated that “their enemies beheld them“, however it could be argued that their real enemy was the one who sent a beast (out of the bottomless pit) to kill them. To celebrate the return of the witnesses, there just happened to occur a “great earthquake, and the tenth part of the city fell“, killing 7,000 men. This naturally caused the remaining men to be frightened to the point where they decided to give “glory to the god of heaven“. It’s always killing, isn’t it god? What did those 7,000 men do wrong that the 7,001 st guy didn’t?

It goes without saying that no one knows who the two witnesses will be, and the text is quiet on the issue. That is a nice device for creating speculation and also for turning psychologically-damaged people into schizophrenics believing that they are somehow involved.

That ended the second woe (the first woe was the plague of demonic “locusts”), so it was time to get on with the third one…

The seventh angel blew revelry sounded and multiple voices from up there (also known as “heaven”) stated that “the kingdoms of this world are become the kingdoms of our lord, and of his christ; and he shall reign for ever and ever“.

George Frideric Handel did something pretty amazing (link to Wikipedia) with the final seven words of that passage, but it’s clear that the lord had no idea of the concept of “for ever”. The author(s) who invented the fable didn’t understand about the heat death of the universe, but surely god had some inkling about the decay of the fundamental particles that he (supposedly) created? How does god/christ reigning forever fit with the current theory that the universe is going to decay (the “Big Freeze”) in 10²⁰⁰ years (or so)? Will someone be sitting on their throne “up there” long after our fundamental particles have decayed into nothing? What’s the point? And remember that “forever” is much longer than 10²⁰⁰ years.

Because the 24 elders must have by now regained their seats, it would have been annoying that they once again had to fall on their faces – to properly worship god. The elders gave thanks to the lord because he always was and always will be, and also due to his great power.

We’re then reminded that the time for god to judge people was coming up, as was the time to reward “thy servants the prophets, and to the saints, and them that fear thy name, small and great“. All others “shouldest destroy them which destroy the earth“. Just a heads up that we now have a way to cheese the boss: just fear the name of god (at the end times) and you’re good to go (if you really do want to “exist” until the heat death of the universe).

Finally, the temple of god was opened and the ark of the testament could be seen. By whom? Of course there was the usual scene-establishing “lightnings, and voices, and thunderings, and an earthquake, and great hail“. Are you not entertained?

Chapter 12 – Enter the dragon, and woman with baby, and michael, and angels. Let’s rumble. Metaphors, anyone?

This chapter presents a mixture of thinly-veiled metaphor and fan-service fiction in an attempt to further wow the reader.

Apparently “there appeared a great wonder in heaven“, and that wonder was a woman “clothed with the sun, and the moon under her feet, and upon her head a crown of twelve stars“. And we’re off. The Catholics want this woman to be mary and others want her to be Israel with the 12 stars being the 12 tribes. If the moon is under her feet, was she standing on the firmament? She is then reported to be in labor.

Like any good story, a villain is needed, and we get a good one: “a great red dragon, having seven heads and ten horns, and seven crowns upon his heads“. Anyone with even mild OCD is going to be bothered as to how to distribute ten horns across seven heads. We then get more proof about the nonexistent scientific knowledge of the author(s) because the dragon’s “tail drew the third part of the stars of heaven, and did cast them to the earth“.

If heaven is everything (up there), then it’s worth noting that there are between 100 billion and 400 billion stars in the Milky Way galaxy alone, and there are about two trillion galaxies in the visible universe. A third of those is a bit too much to “cast them to the earth”. This little problem shouldn’t have been an issue if the text really did come from the mind of an omniscient god. As written, it’s more evidence that the author(s) believed that the stars were tiny points of light in the firmament just above the Earth’s surface.

The dragon stood in front of the woman ready to eat her delivered baby, however we don’t find out the mechanism of exactly how that was avoided because it seems that her kid (a “man child who was to rule all nations with a rod of iron“) was “caught up unto god, and to his throne“. Why the stipulation that the rule had to be like a rod of iron? Why couldn’t the ruler be generous, fair, and friendly, and work with willing subjects who respected that ruler for being magnanimous? Nah, much easier to anticipate problems and tell the subjects that their concerns are irrelevant because the ruler had a rod of iron to use on any dissent.

The woman then fled into the wilderness and waited for 1,260 days at a place that god had prepared for her. Um, why? Surely god had a safe house (up there) with en suite that would have suited?

Meanwhile, a war developed in heaven between someone named michael (and his angels) versus the dragon (and his angels). With disappointingly little description, the dragon (and his angels) lost and was cast out of heaven. We are told explicitly that the dragon was “called the devil, and satan” and that he had “deceiveth the whole world“. It’s curious that there is a universal love for angels among believers, despite the explicit statement that some of them were fighting on the wrong side.

For some reason, it’s always about sides.

Following the victory, john started hearing voices again. This time the voice told of the upcoming salvation and strength of “the kingdom of our god, and the power of his christ“. It seems that there were three key elements that sealed the victory: “the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony; and they loved not their lives unto the death“.

Us normal people were then given a warning that a wrathful satan was on his way back to Earth, but not to worry too much because “he knoweth that he hath but a short time“. Needless to say, the events upset satan and he decided to persecute the woman. To help out, the woman was upgraded with “wings of a great eagle, that she might fly into the wilderness” where she might nourish for a time (or perhaps half a time) away from the serpent. Notice that the dragon is now called a serpent?

It all got silly at that point because the serpent managed to “cast out of his mouth water as a flood after the woman“, however “the earth helped the woman, and the earth opened her mouth, and swallowed up the flood“. Riiiight. That’s just special effects without the audio-visual component which we would demand today. The serpent was not at all happy with that outcome and “went to make war with the remnant of her seed, which keep the commandments of god, and have the testimony of jesus christ“.

Another issue with the events is the description of the devil/satan as being a dragon that “stood before the woman“. For those who would believe that the devil was described in genesis (chapter 3) as a creature who was cursed to eat dust and slither on the ground without legs forever (due to his entrapment of eve into eating a piece of fruit), how did he override the punishment of an omnipotent god to acquire legs on which he could stand? And how does a serpent (sans legs) become a dragon with multiple heads and wings? It’s obvious that the author(s) were just making things up (again) to impress the reader.

There’s also the theory that the seven-headed dragon was a metaphor for Rome. That’s because Rome is known as the city that was built on (and near) seven hills: Quirinal, Viminal, Esquiline, Caelian, Palatine, Aventine and Capiteline. Those hills are all within the Servian wall which was built in the early 4th century BCE to protect Rome. The theory being that “revelation” is actually a document attacking the perceived enemy of Christianity: Rome. That is perhaps the real reason that the number seven is used so often in the book.

Here’s a list of Roman emperors up until the time that revelation is thought to have been written (links are to Wikipedia articles):

Emperor	Reign From	Reign To	Notes
Augustus	27 BCE	14 CE	The first emperor of Rome. An adopted son of Julius Caesar. Supposed birth of jesus during this reign.
Tiberius	14 CE	37 CE	Supposed death of jesus during this reign.
Caligula	37 CE	41 CE
Claudius	41 CE	54 CE
Nero	54 CE	68 CE	The great fire of Rome happened in July 64 CE. Nero persecuted Christians for about three and a half years.
Galba	68 CE	69 CE
Otho	69 CE	69 CE
Vitellius	69 CE	69 CE
Vespasian	69 CE	79 CE	Vespasian persecuted Jews.
Titus	79 CE	81 CE
Domitian	81 CE	96 CE	Domitian persecuted Christians. The book of “revelation” was written around 95 CE.

Chapter 13 – Rome wasn’t metaphored in a day. The beast makes a mark. 666.

The idea that the dragon was a metaphor for Rome gains a lot of traction in this chapter.

The chapter starts with john describing the beast rising from the sea and indeed having seven heads and ten horns with ten crowns. Then john goes on to declare that “upon his heads the name of blasphemy“, and to further refine the description of the dragon to include: being like a leopard, having the feet of a bear, and the mouth of a lion. All up, the dragon had great power and authority. That sounds a bit more like a terrible analogy of a terrible Rome.

Apparently one of the heads had a deadly wound, however it was somehow healed, and “all the world wondered after the beast“. It turned out that people worshiped the dragon, which empowered it into “speaking great things and blasphemies” against god, his tabernacle and “them that dwell in heaven“. All this it did for 42 months.

Now the text gets personal.

Nero was known to have persecuted Christians from sometime after July 64 CE (the Great Fire of Rome) until his death in June 68 CE. That could therefore be for three and a half years (which is 42 months). Nero is documented as the first Roman emperor to launch a major persecution of Christians, however Domitian also persecuted Christians in the years leading up to the writing of revelation.

Further, the dragon did make war with the saints and he held power over “all kindreds, and tongues, and nations“. It seems that if your name wasn’t in the “book of life”, then you worshiped the beastly dragon. Notice how propaganda documents are always black and white?

We then get the remonstration part of the text because we’re warned that “he that leadeth into captivity shall go into captivity: he that killeth with the sword must be killed with the sword“. That apparently is the “patience and the faith of the saints“. Of course, those who kill with a sword in god’s name (looking at you, Israelites on your “exodus” road trip) are to be excused further examination in this matter.

Cryptically, the text then describes the arrival of a second villain: “another beast coming up out of the earth; and he had two horns like a lamb, and he spake as a dragon“. Unfortunately it’s not stated explicitly who the second beast was, however we’re told that it exercised all the power of the dragon and indeed did encourage all to worship the dragon. It’s likely that this second beast was therefore a depiction of Nero or, at the very least, some part of the government of Rome.

The theory that it was a depiction of Nero is strengthened by the statement that the second beast “maketh fire come down from heaven on the earth in the sight of men“. Remember that the great fire of Rome (in July 64 CE) was something that Nero blamed on the Christians. Even though that happened about 35 years before “revelation” was written, it seems that john (or his puppet master) wasn’t forgetting about it.

We’re then told that the second beast encouraged the people to make an idol (a false prophet) to the dragon, and that the idol was given life and could speak. Any that did not worship the idol were killed. Apparently “all, both small and great, rich and poor, free and bond” received “a mark in their right hand, or in their foreheads” and “no man might buy or sell” except “save he that had the mark, or the name of the beast, or the number of his name“. Finally, we are told “Let him that hath understanding count the number of the beast: for it is the number of a man; and his number is six hundred threescore and six“.

And that closing text in the chapter has caused more speculation than just about any other text ever written. The tempting theory is that “666” refers to the guard bars (red in the following image) that each have a value of six and that are found in the one-dimensional (1D) barcodes we use today:

(Sourced from a site that did not attribute copyright.)

The dual vertical (red) lines just happen to look similar to the lines (in blue) that are used for the number “6” within the barcode, however there was no intended biblical symbolism when the UPC barcode was invented by IBM in the 1970s. The coincidence does do a lot to fuel the fire of those wanting to find a conspiracy theory.

For those who just know that barcodes represent “666”, how are you going to explain the upcoming shift to GS1 2D QR codes? Yep, in the next few years, you are going to witness the shift away from the current 1D barcodes to 2D QR codes that look like the following:

The above 2D QR code scans as the following URL:

https://example.com/01/09521207311511/21/1234ABDE1235

WIth QR codes, there’s no need for “6” guide bars, and by a happy coincidence, there isn’t even a “6” in the above example URL.

If you really believe that the “666” in the current 1D “lines” barcodes signifies that we are in the end times, then you better hope that god progresses his plans in the next couple of years, because after that, you aren’t going to see too many more “666” barcodes.

It is of course the numerology aspect that causes much discussion and 666. If the letters of the Greek spelling of Nero’s Hebrew name (“נרון קסר” or “Nron Qsr”) are converted to numbers (using gematria, a Wikipedia link) and summed (50 + 200 + 6 + 50 + 100 + 60 + 200), then the total is 666. Some translations of the text use the number 616, however that can be derived by using the same technique on “Nero Caesar” (“Nro Qsr”).

By the way, numerology is nonsense.

What is clear is that there are no reported cases of “marks of the beast” being on people’s hands or foreheads today, and certainly there is no evidence that a lack of such marks are a restriction to trade today. As it doesn’t look like we’re getting those things any time soon, perhaps “revelation” isn’t quite the book of prophesy some people pretend it is?

Chapter 14 – The 144,000 learn a song. Angels sickle the Earth and generate a lot of blood.

The chapter starts, unusually for these texts, with a real place: Mount Zion. It’s more of a hill than a mountain, but apparently “a lamb” was standing on the peak with 144,000 mates, all with “his father’s name written in their foreheads“.

A voice from heaven (which sounded like many waters and thunder) was accompanied by harp music and sung a song that could only be learned by the 144,000. It’s not explained why the 144,001^st person couldn’t learning it.

It sure is convenient for the author(s) to be able to introduce the concept of a new song, and not have to actually write out the song.

That many people (on flat ground, and with a moderate spacing) are going to occupy a circular area of about 390 feet (120 meters) radius, so on a hill, it would be closer to a circle with radius of about 500 feet (150 meters).

Seriously, does anyone believe that a “lamb” could teach a song to 144,000 people who occupy the area of a circle with a radius equal to about three Olympic-sized swimming pools?

Sometimes you’ll hear of a real crackpot who believes that he will be part of that 144,000 in the end times (which are always coming “soon”), however what you’ll never hear such a person discuss is the requirement (now stated in the text) that they be first-born males, and … virgins. Even harder, they are to never had guile come out of their mouths and they must be without fault. Fundies? Anyone? And, if we are all supposedly sinners, how are they going to find 144,000 people who have never had guile come out of their mouths?

Then john (says that he) saw an angel fly down from heaven. That angel had the “everlasting gospel to preach” to everyone in all nations. Apparently that angel told everyone to “fear god, and give glory to him; for the hour of his judgment is come“. Then came a second angel proclaiming that “babylon is fallen” because “she made all nations drink of the wine of the wrath of her fornication“. Then a third angel followed saying that if anyone had worshiped the beast and received the mark on his forehead or hand then they “shall drink of the wine of the wrath of god” and “he shall be tormented with fire and brimstone in the presence of the holy angels, and in the presence of the lamb“. And worse: “the smoke of their torment ascendeth up for ever and ever: and thy have no rest day nor night“. Ah yes: eternal damnation from the omniscient creator of the universe – who really loves you. And then a quick reminder that to avoid that fate, all you have to do is have the patience of the saints and keep all the commandments of god.

The text then makes an attempt to gather canon fodder as john hears a voice from heaven that reminds us how “blessed are the dead which die in the lord henceforth“. Yep, the old: your rewards will be in the next life, so sacrifice this life for the cause. How could that possibly go wrong?

Despite previously seeing a lamb on the mountain, john now sees “a white cloud, and upon the cloud one sat like unto the son of man, having on his head a golden crown, and in his hand a sharp sickle“. Another angel appeared and told the one on the cloud that the time had come to reap because “the harvest of the earth is ripe” – which the cloud-sitter then did. So did jesus need a reminder?

Apparently the reaping was a big job because another angel with its own sickle appeared from the altar (which had the power of fire) to help with the gathering of “the clusters of the vine of the earth; for her grapes are fully ripe“. The angel “thrust in his sickle into the earth, and gathered the vine of the earth, and cast it into the great winepress of the wrath of god. And the winepress was trodden without the city, and blood came out of the winepress, even unto the horse bridles, by the space of a thousand and six hundred furlongs“.

This is of course laying on an overly obvious metaphor with a trowel. The measurements are impossible to attribute any real meaning to, but in case you are tempted to try, 1,600 furlongs is about 200 miles (320 kilometers) and the height of a horse’s bridle is about 5 feet (1.5 meters). A volume, such as blood would occupy, requires a length, a height, and a width. A width is not given in the text, but assuming a one meter width, the end result would be about 500,000,000 liters of blood. If the average human has about 1.3 gallons (5 liters) of blood, then a one meter width would represent the blood of 100 million people. There are currently over 8 billion people on Earth, so the width would have to be at least 80 meters to be “realistic”. So is the description real or metaphorical? If it’s not real, then why give the precise “1,600 furlongs” figure?

And a point of order: we constantly get this “heaven is just up there” concept. Where up there? So heaven is invisible (up there) and the angel just materialized at (say) 1,000 feet as it flew down? Note that the text is indistinguishable from the ramblings of a very ignorant person who was just making things up to try and scare the masses into believing a certain set of superstitious ramblings.

Chapter 15 – god displays the deadly sin of wrath. Seven angels and seven plagues. Heaven’s smoke alarm goes off.

At first glance this is (thankfully) a short chapter, however it is just an introduction for what is coming up. In summary, john says that he saw another sign involving seven angels, each of whom was in possession of one of the “seven last plaques” of the wrath of god. So a loving and all-forgiving omnipotent deity has wrath? To the Catholics, since “wrath” is one of the seven deadly sins (pride, greed, lust, envy, gluttony, wrath and sloth), that means – by your own definition and via the word of your sacred text – your god is a sinner. Or are there times when wrath is acceptable?

For some reason, those who had been victorious over the beast were standing on a sea of fiery glass, harps in hand, singing the song of moses (deuteronomy 32) and the song of the lamb (above). Then follows an effusive bit in which john talks about how great god is and how all nations shall worship because god is “just and true”. Oh really? Ask the innocent toddlers who were drowned by god in the flood (genesis 7) about how “just” he is. Or ask the Middiante children who were murdered on god’s instruction (numbers 31) about how “just” he is. Fundies, you sure do a lot of hand-waving and sweeping under the carpet, don’t you.

Then john managed to see the “tabernacle of the testimony in heaven” open up to emit the seven angels with their seven plagues. Note how we’re back to the symbolism (seven hills of Rome) merged with the (hoped-for) “message”? There’s also the ongoing need to try and impress the reader with descriptions like “clothed in pure and white linen, and having their breasts girded with golden girdles” when describing the seven angels. It’s a carefully crafted propaganda piece.

To close out the chapter, one of the four beasts (remember those charmers) “gave unto the seven angels seven golden vials full of the wrath of God“. Oh excellent: wrath in liquid form. At that point something probably caught fire “up there” because the tabernacle was filled with smoke and we’re told that the smoke would remain, and prevent men from entering the place until “the seven plagues of the seven angels were fulfilled“. Which men were able to enter the tabernacle “up there”? The text doesn’t say “elders”, so it’d be interesting to know which men were loitering around the heavenly tabernacle? You know, the place that ordinary people can’t see when they look up.

Chapter 16 Seven angels pour out their vials – each with some sort of fresh nastiness.

“And I heard a great voice out of the temple saying to the seven angels, go your ways, and pour out the vials of the wrath of god upon the earth“. The following is a description of what happened when each of the angels “poured out his vial“:

• angel 1 + wrath/vial 1: A “grievous sore” developed “upon the men which had the mark of the beast“. How very unspecific. Is it just a coincidence that the author(s) knew nothing about medicine?
• angel 2 + wrath/vial 2: This vial ended up in the sea “and it became as the blood of a dead man: and every living soul died in the sea“. So that’s approximately two million species and billions upon billions of creatures for the chop. What did they do wrong? The author(s) also didn’t realise that if all life in the oceans ceased, then life on land would collapse soon after.
• angel 3 + wrath/vial 3: “upon the rivers and fountains of waters; and they became blood“. The author(s) certainly did have a blood fetish, although this one was obviously acceptable payback due to the shedding of the saints and prophets.
• angel 4 + wrath/vial 4: “upon the sun; and power was given unto him to scorch men with fire“. This is another example where the author(s) believed that the sun was roughly the size of a lamp in the firmament. Note to god (should you want to try all this again on another planet somewhere in the universe – but next time get it right), the sun is a ball of hot plasma consisting of about 74% hydrogen and 25% helium, has a mass of 2×10³⁰ kilograms (about 333,000 times the mass of the Earth), has a radius of about 435,000 miles (700,000 kilometers) and is approximately 93 million miles (150 million kilometers) away from the Earth. The sun has no problem illuminating 50% of the face of Earth’s globe – a width of about 7,926 miles (12,756 kilometers), and therefore can’t be affected by a guy pouring out a vial in front of it.
• angel 5 + wrath/vial 5: “upon the seat of the beast; and his kingdom was full of darkness“. Apparently that darkness made people to “gnaw their tongues for pain“. For some reason they still blasphemed god and did not repent.
• angel 6 + wrath/vial 6: “upon the great river Euphrates; and the water thereof was dried up“. Apparently this was to prepare the way of the kings from the east (because kings could have no hope of crossing a river that hadn’t dried up). It seems that angel 6 had a lot more to say because john tells us that he “saw three unclean spirits like frogs come out of the mouths” of the dragon, beast and false prophet. Apparently those are the “spirits of devils, working miracles” in preparation for the upcoming battle with god. We also learn that jesus will be dressed when he comes as a thief to gather people at a place called armageddon.
• angel 7 + wrath/vial 7: accompanied by a great voice (proclaiming “it is done“), we then get “thunders, and lightnings; and there was a great earthquake” that divided the great city into three parts and fell “the cities of the nations“. Apparently babylon was for the chop and “every island fled away, and the mountains were not found“. So the survivors were pretty much living on a ball without bumps at that point. Finally, 80 pound (35 kilogram) hailstones issued from heaven however people still blamed and blasphemed god for the events. That does seem fair enough since he (self-admitted) caused the events.

Petulance, thy name is god. If the end times are being described and therefore that all men are about to attend their judgement day (and soon!), why is it necessary for an all-loving deity to torture men with the above seven wraths? Why not just get on with the judgement and punishment? Or could it just be that a petulant “john” wasn’t happy that Rome was trying to do something about the developing death cult – that would become Christianity, and this was his way of “dealing” with the situation, i.e. with a literary hissy fit?

The real problem with these “prophesies” is that it makes fundies go nuts with speculation. Everything, if they try hard enough with more and more elaborate and dishonest interpretations of metaphors, can be twisted into fitting into one of these seven categories. That makes life very difficult for both the normal people (the non religious) and for the brainwashed (those who secretly crave the end of the world).

Chapter 17 – john gets to see a woman in fancy dress. Tortured metaphors for all.

One of the seven angels had more to say and told john to “come hither” because he was to see “the judgment of the great whore that sitteth upon many waters with whom the kings of the earth have committed fornication“. It turns out that the author(s)’ little hissy fit wasn’t over at the end of the previous chapter. Now it seems that just about everyone in the world is wrong and only the “john’s” of this world have got it right. Yep, the cry of the narcissist throughout the ages. Sound familiar fundies?

To drive home the point, the angel carried john away into the wilderness where he saw “a woman sitting upon a scarlet colored beast, full of names of blasphemy, having seven heads and ten horns“. For those who came in late, the seven heads are likely a reference to the Rome (with its seven hills) and the ten horns are likely some combination of emperors and/or aspects of government. The woman, who was wearing purple and scarlet clothing and who was “decked with gold and precious stones and pearls, having a golden cup in her hand full of abominations and filthiness of her fornication” is less obvious, but is likely to be an amalgamation of the people who didn’t care to follow the emerging death cult of Christianity.

This is pretty much confirmed by the next part of the text which claims that the woman had written on her forehead: “MYSTERY, BABYLON THE GREAT, THE MOTHER OF HARLOTS AND ABOMINATIONS OF THE EARTH” (in capitals no less!). She must have had a big forehead. This wasn’t enough condemnation because the text goes on to say that the woman was drunk with the blood of the saints and martrys of jesus. The angel asked john why he did marvel (well wouldn’t you?) and then proceeds to answer the question before giving john a chance to reply. Basically the beast was a revived demonic power or anti-christ figure who rebelled against god and led unbelievers to their destruction.

The angel continued to extend the tortured metaphor by claiming that there are seven kings, of which five have fallen (ex emperors?), one is, and one of which is still to come – for a short time. The beast “that was, and is not” is the eighth “king” and represents one final anti-god political and spiritual system, e.g. a revived Roman empire or an unidentified anti-christ who will try, and fail before the return of the lamb.

Then it’s stated that the ten horns represent ten kings who haven’t achieved a kingdom yet, although they act as if they have despite having spent “one hour with the beast“. Apparently these false kings are of the same mind and derive their power and strength from the beast. Oh yes, and they will “make war with the lamb” however “the lamb shall overcome them for he is the lord of lords and king of kings” who has chosen faithful followers.

It seems that the “waters” (mentioned at the start of the chapter) “where the whore sitteth” are actually “peoples, and multitudes, and nations, and tongues“, however the unexpected turn of events is that the ten horns (upon the beast) shall “hate the whore, and shall make her desolate and naked, and shall eat her flesh, and burn her with fire“. And do you know why that will happen? It’s because “god hath put in their hearts to fulfill his will, and to agree, and give their kingdom unto the beast, until the words of god shall be fulfilled“. So that’s another case of god fixing the outcome of a test by cutting off free will.

The chapter ends with “and the woman which thou sawest is that great city, which reigneth over the kings of the earth“. The metaphor is kind of killed by explaining that the woman is a city – presumably babylon.

The authors were certainly letting their petulance go to town in this chapter.

Chapter 18 – What have the Romans ever done for us? Another failed prophecy.

It must have been a bit too much for the previous angel because a different angel had to come down from heaven to light the Earth with his glory and power and to exclaim “babylon the great is fallen“. Apparently we (the sinners) have “drunk of the wine of the wrath of her fornication” – and worse.

Then the author(s) really went to town describing how bad “she” was and how “the kings of the Earth have committed fornication with her“. In other words, quite reasonable people traded with Rome and wanted to follow its laws – something that rubbed the author(s) up the wrong way because their creepy and superstitious cult wasn’t working out in that society. As was pointed out in the documentary film Monty Python’s Life of Brian (a Wikipedia link):

Another voice from “up there” then begged people to “come out of her, my people, that ye be not partakers of her sins” because apparently “her sins have reached unto heaven, and god hath remembered her iniquities“. Oh, really? So the omniscient creator of the universe had forgotten something and had to be reminded?

Then john calls for divine retribution against “her” because “she hath glorified herself, and lived deliciously“. And that gets closer to the heart of the matter. The author(s) were not happy because the citizens of Rome had found a way of living a better life than those who followed creepy superstition that was full of ancient rules that advocated genocide, intolerance and hardship.

Then we get the inevitable pessimistic guess about the future as the author(s) tell us “shall her plagues come in one day, death, and mourning, and famine“. Yep, those are the things that the “Christians” really wanted for Rome – just to prove that they were right. They even wished for Rome to burn (properly this time) and for the other cities and rulers on Earth to “see the smoke of her burning“. Further, the author(s) lusted for a time when people would no longer be able to trade all manner of things with babylon Rome. That would of course make the rich guys who traded with “her” very sad, and that’s just what the author(s) wanted. They envisaged that the final judgement and destruction of Rome would take just one hour and that all the good guys should “rejoice over her, thou heaven, and ye holy apostles and prophets; for god hath avenged you on her“.

In three places in the chapter the author(s) referred to the rich, and that’s getting down to the actual motivation for the entire book. It must have driven the author(s) wild that those who didn’t follow their death cult were carving out pretty good lives in a stable and prosperous society. They simply couldn’t stand it that there was now evidence that people didn’t need to follow all the documented rules and commandments to have good and prosperous lives. Incidentally, that is something that still drives religious people crazy today.

Finally, a “mighty angel took up a stone like a great millstone, and cast it into the sea, saying, thus with violence shall that great city babylon be thrown down, and shall be found no more at all“. Apparently the musicians and craftsmen of the city won’t be heard and “the light of a candle shall shine no more at all in thee“. And because the merchants of babylon deceived the world (how?) “the voice of the bridegroom and the bride shall be heard no more at all in thee“. Notice that at no time is there an attempt to explain exactly what is wrong with “babylon” and its practices – it’s just wrong, okay.

By the way, the Roman empire is generally accepted to have ended on 4 September 476 CE when the Germanic chieftain Odoacer deposed the last emperor, Romulus Augustulus. That’s about 380 years after “revelation” was written. For anyone who is tempted to take “revelation” seriously, note that the city of Rome did not burn and fall in one hour due to the judgement of a god. How is it that the prophecy of the omniscient creator of the universe got it wrong? Here’s a clue: could “revelation” just be the writings of petulant guys whose death cult wasn’t working out?

The failed prophecy of “revelation” is obviously an irritation to the fundies, so they have to pretend that “babylon” is actually some sort of different society to the seven-hilled Rome described in the text. Of course, none will say exactly which society that is. Is it the USA? Is it Europe? Is it some sort of generic modern-day society? Is it all societies? Is it a bad society still to come? That’s the great thing about metaphors: when one interpretation turns out to be incorrect, the next batch of fundies can simply adapt and update the metaphor to something else – all the while keeping things vague enough that they can never be pinned down.

Chapter 19 – heaven is happy that Rome has fallen. jesus comes again.

Apparently “much people in heaven” then rejoiced at the fall of “babylon” and therefore at the deaths of enormous numbers of people. They even said “alleluia”. The real reason for all the celebration was that god had “judged the great whore, which did corrupt the earth with her fornication“. What “fornication”? The fact that Rome did trade with her neighbors? Every society today trades with their neighbors (across the globe) and that’s not inherently bad. Was there a trial? Did “the great whore” have a defence attorney? So god just retired to consider the evidence and returned with “Upon mature consideration, and without making public any evidence or deliveration, I find that the whore is 100% guilty and I’m ready to pass sentence”?

Having had another chance to get back to their feet, the 24 elders and the four beasts fell down again to worship god. There’s another word for that: sycophancy. The author(s) then became gushing as they imagined that the survivors (down there) recognized that “god omnipotent reigneth“. To seal the deal, we’re reminded that the “marriage of the lamb is come, and his wife hath made herself ready“. Guess that the multitudes left alive (the church?) were the blushing bride – who were about to partake in another of the bible’s non-consensual marriages?

To get married, it was necessary for the bride to be blessed and to be arrayed in fine white linen because “fine linen is the righteousness of saints“. Why? Why is fine linen more righteous than silk, or a cotton-polyester blend, or canvas for that matter?

The proceedings must have overwhelmed john because he attempted to worship the feet of a nearby angel, only to be told not be so silly because it was really the lamb who should be worshiped. Apparently “the testimony of jesus is the spirit of prophecy” – which is a way of saying nothing binding … or meaningful.

Then john “saw heaven opened, and behold a white horse” upon which sat a rider who was called “faithful and true” and who “in righteousness he doth judge and make war“. Never forget that the bible is really a book of blame, war, destruction, violence and retribution.

Apparently we’re now into a description of the “second coming” (of jesus). The rider’s “eyes were as a flame of fire, and on his head were many crowns; and he had a name written, that no man knew, but he himself“. Apparently “he was clothed with a vesture dipped in blood: and his name is called the word of god“. Why blood? What had to die so that jesus could wear a cloak stained with blood? The violence of the imagery doesn’t sit well with a supposedly all-loving being.

Continuing with the war theme, “the armies which were in heaven followed him upon white horses, clothed in fine linen, white and clean“. Which armies? We’re then given a description of the real jesus: having a sharp sword in his mouth (to smite nations) and a rod of iron (to rule them). Remember that the next time a fundie rushes you with “christ is love”. At the very least, there should be an asterisk after that statement. A better motto would be: “christ is love for sycophants who don’t question anything”.

Then it gets weird because apparently it was written “king of kings, and lord of lords” on jesus’ thigh. Does an eternal god-like figure really need to get inked up to demonstrate something? Did he need to differentiate himself from the other figures who didn’t have a sharp sword emanating from their mouths as they rode out on the lead white horse? And it’s all strange because leviticus 19:28 prohibited the acquisition of tattoos. Then again, “do as I say, not as I do” is a terrific example for the fundies to come.

Even though the sun had been blotted out (revelation 16:8) we are told that an angel was “standing in the sun” crying out for the “fowls that fly in the midst of heaven” to come in for supper with god. It wasn’t to be an ordinary dinner because the birds were to eat the flesh of kings, captains, mighty men, horses, their riders, and “the flesh of all men, both free and bond, both small and great“.

Things were coming to a head because john saw “the beast, and the kings of the earth, and their armies, gathered together to make war against” jesus and his army. With zero description of the battle, it seems that the beast and the false prophet were taken and “were cast alive into a lake of fire burning with brimstone“. Merciful god? Finally, “the remnant were slain with the sword of him that sat upon the horse, which sword proceeded out of his mouth: and all the fowls were filled with their flesh“. So jesus managed to partake in a bit of ultra-violence – also known as genocide.

It’s worth remembering that the author(s) of “revelation”, via the invented character of “john”, were just guessing when they invented all of this “prophesy”. They (really badly) wanted it to happen “soon”, however nothing like it (even metaphorically) has happened in the subsequent 1,930 years (and counting).

Chapter 20 – satan gets locked up for 1,000 years, then released and defeated. Judgement day for all.

This chapter begins the wrap-up process of the book as an angel descended from heaven (up there, remember?) with the key to the bottomless pit and a chain that was attached to “the dragon, that old serpent, which is the devil, and satan“. Just a reminder that a bottomless pit is impossible. The “serpent” was to be bound for a thousand years after being cast into the bottomless pit. This was a measure to ensure that he could “deceive the nations no more“. Following the millennium “he must be loosed a little season“. Why a nice round 1,000 years? So 999 years is not enough to get the message across? The number 1,000 seems important (somehow) to humans, but of course is meaningless to an omniscient being.

So satan was the bad guy in all this? Here’s an interesting statistic arising directly from the texts. The character of satan is known to have killed ten people (job’s seven sons and three daughters in job 1:13-19), and those were with god’s permission (so those killings are really on god’s side of the ledger). The character of god is known to have been responsible for about 3 million direct killings (in about 160 episodes), however if the large scale events (such as noah’s flood and the killings in this book) are considered, god is actually responsible for billions of murders. So fundies hate the devil for encouraging adam and eve to gain knowledge, yet love a god who is responsible for billions of deaths? That’s whacked.

Then john saw thrones and the souls of those who had been martyred for believing in jesus and god’s word. What he didn’t see were those who had the mark of the beast on their foreheads and hands, because they didn’t get to reign with christ for a thousand years. Apparently the naughty kids got to rest for a millennium and only then were brought back during “the first resurrection“, at which time they would be handled by the believers who had been elevated to position of priests.

Amazingly, after the 1,000 years (of rule by jesus with his rod of iron), satan would be “loosed out of his prison” and go out to “deceive the nations” – also called “gog and magog“. Those are of course unknown, but ezekiel (38-39) portrays gog as a person and magog as his land. Because there’s obviously no such thing as “gog” and “magog”, that’s more opportunity for fundies to make metaphorical guesses.

And why release satan? He was obviously nicely tucked away (in the bottomless pit) and not doing anyone any harm. And of course the story is just black and white, because everything was apparently going along very nicely for 1,000 years, but as soon as satan is released, mankind immediately reverted to wicked ways. Why? It’s hard to believe that people can read this stuff and not recognize it as a fairy tale. Anyhoo, the revitalized satan was to gather people for an upcoming battle, “the number of whom is as the sand of the sea“. Of course the author(s) just meant to say “many”, but in case you are wondering, it is estimated that there are about 10²⁰ (100 quintillion) grains of sand on Earth’s beaches.

In usual fashion, the text is light on detail as we’re informed that “fire came down from god out of heaven, and devoured them” during the final battle. So god, no mercy for the deceived? What about the babies and young children in the end times? On these issues, the text is silent. What is stated is that the devil “was cast into the lake of fire and brimstone, where the beast and the false prophet are, and shall be tormented day and night for ever and ever“. Does that sound like the action of an all-loving omnipotent being?

To the victors go the spoils, as john noticed a great white throne with you know who sitting on it, and from “whose face the earth and the heaven fled away; and there was found no place for them“. Really, even those in heaven fled? What did they do that resulted in having to flee?

Then it was report card time as the books were opened and the dead (throughout all time) were judged “according to their works“. Notice that the text does not say anything about the dead’s thoughts; just their works. So god will need a written history for each person? That suggests that god couldn’t remember it all, which would mean that god is not omniscient. Or is the concept of a book just to remind the masses that there’s no way they are slipping through the net unnoticed?

Those failing the judgement were “cast into the lake of fire“, which was described as “the second death“. Strangely, there was a second book called the “book of life” and anyone not in that book was also cast into the lake of fire. The words “for ever and ever” were not used, so perhaps most beings were lucky that it wasn’t going to be eternal torment? Of course, the Catholics have found it very useful to ignore that oversight so that they can exert more horror and control over their sheep. The actual text suggests that satan is going to be very lonely forever – except for the company of the beast and the false prophet. That’s a pity because with just one more they could have played Bridge forever and ever.

If the failed judgement resulted in being extinguished in the “lake of fire”, and if satan was to suffer forever, then in a strange way, satan is the true hero of the bible. Unlike jesus, who didn’t actually die for our sins (just went away for a while), satan took the bullet so that us sinners wouldn’t have to be tormented forever.

Chapter 21 – god floats down one helluva big new city for the new Earth and new heaven.

Okay, the (poorly described) end-times battle was expected, as was the outcome, but it’s likely that most people are keen to find out what life after the second coming is going to be for themselves? You know, the what’s-in-it-for-me crowd? It is expected that the omniscient being who created the universe would be fully aware of the future, so this penultimate chapter of the entire bible is keenly anticipated.

We’re first informed by john that he saw a “new heaven and a new earth” because the first versions were “passed away“. So what was wrong with the old heaven? Did the devil get a few good shots in during the final battle or did god just take the opportunity to do a bit of remodeling? Unfortunately the new earth didn’t include the sea, so if you enjoy walking along the beach or eating seafood or sailing, then you won’t be doing those for all eternity.

Then god descended from heaven and brought an entire city (“new Jerusalem”) with him. The city had been “prepared as a bride adorned for her husband” and we’re informed that god intended to dwell with mankind and their tabernacle. Really? So the omnipotent creator of two trillion galaxies and who can presumably visit any of them was going to live in the Middle East on Earth – forever? Or is it more likely that the author(s) didn’t realise that there were more picturesque places in the universe for a supreme being to settle down?

Finally we get down to some nitty-gritty as we’re told that god was going to “wipe away all tears“, “there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying“, and no more pain. So people would have their central nervous systems removed or turned off? More on the “no more death” thing later.

Then god sat on his throne and did a bit of gloating: “behold, I make all things new” and “I am alpha and omega, the beginning and the end“. So is god actually going to sit on his throne and say those things, or did he just appear as a vision to john saying those things, or did john just hallucinate the scene, or did the author(s) just make it up?

We then get a promise that any who is thirsty will be able to drink “of the fountain of the water of life freely” and “he that overcometh shall inherit all things“. A trend is starting here where god is going to try and say everything but will actually say nothing. What “all things” will be inherited?

Backing off from the promises, we’re then reminded about the other side of the coin, e.g. how the fearful, unbelieving, abominable, murderers, whoremongers, sorcerers, idolaters and liars “shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death“. So god is against murderers? How ironic.

It all got a bit closer to home for john because one of the angels (who was holding the seven vials containing the seven plagues) offered to show him “the bride, the lamb’s wife“. To achieve that, john was carried away to a high mountain so that he could see “the holy Jerusalem, descending out of heaven from god“. The light from the city was “like unto a stone most precious, even like a jasper stone, clear as crystal“. The city had “a wall great and high” and twelve gates (three on each side), each with an angel and the name of one of “the tribes of the children of Israel“. Wait a moment, why would a city need high walls when only the righteous are alive to use it? The author(s) slipped up a bit with that default city embellishment.

Apparently “the wall of the city had twelve foundations, and in them the names of the twelve apostles of the lamb“. If that meant that their names were underground, what’s the point? Oh, that’s right, it’s all symbolic, isn’t it? What’s not explained is if the twelve includes a foundation for one of the originals: judas?

Speaking of stuff-ups, the author(s) then made a big one by giving the dimensions of “new Jersulaem”. It was said to be a square with sides being 12,000 furlongs (or perhaps “stadions” instead of furlongs, which are about 10% shorter than a furlong). Regardless, that’s about 1,380 miles (2,200 kilometers) per side, and that makes the city have an area of about 1,900,000 square miles (almost 5,000,000 square kilometers). The top six countries by area are: Russia, Canada, China, USA, Brazil and Australia. The “new Jerusalem” would become the seventh largest country by area, ahead of India (which was previously at number seven). And exactly what do three foundations and three gates per side do when that side is 2,200 kilometers in length?

That’s incredulous however that’s not the most unbelievable bit because the new city was described as having the same height as the length of one of its sides. The text doesn’t say, but even if the city was more like a pyramid than a cube, its tallest point would still be over five times higher than the orbital height of the international space station. The tallest building currently on Earth is about 2,717 feet (828 meters), so “new Jerusalem” would be 2,650 times taller than the current tallest building on Earth. That’s clearly impossible and proves that the author(s) were just making things up.

The (unnecessary) walls were stated to be 144 cubits tall, which is about 220 feet (67 meters). That would have looked slightly silly based on the tallest point of the city being 22 times higher than the Kármán line (the official edge of space, at about 100 km). The walls were made of jasper and “the city was pure gold, like unto clear glass“. Remember that the city was about 1.5 times larger than the country of Australia, so was it really made of pure gold? The total amount of gold mined in all of human history has the same volume as a cube with sides 66 feet (20 meters), so god would have to go off into space somewhere to find the incredibly enormous amount required. By the way, gold is a soft metal and therefore is a terrible choice for a city-building material.

The foundations were “garnished with all manner of precious stones“, including: jasper, sapphire, chalcedony, emerald, sardonyx, sardius, chrysolyte, beryl, topaz, chrysoprasus, jacinth and amethyst. The twelve gates were described as pearls and again the city was described as “pure gold, as it were transparent glass“. Exactly how gold, with its very high density of 19.32 g/cm³, can appear like glass, is not explained.

The city wasn’t in need of a temple because we’re told that god and the lamb were the temples. M’kay. Also weird was the lack of a need for the sun and moon because, once again, god and the lamb would be fulfilling that function – via their internal light, no doubt. So fundies, did you realise that you are never seeing a blue sky again, let alone the sun or moon … forever (should you make the cut of course)?

Finally, we’re informed that the nations of the world will walk in the light of the new city and shall bring “the glory and honor of the nations into it“. Weirdly, we’re told that the “gates of it shall not be shut at all by day: for there shall be no night there“. So why have gates at all if they are not shut by day and it will always be day? They are probably a symbol from the past, right? And of course, no person would be permitted to bring into the city “anything that defileth, neither whatsoever worketh abomination, or maketh a lie” because only those “which are written in the lamb’s book of life” could enter. That seems like a strange thing to mention when all those who were not written in the “book of life” had been murdered in the second death.

To put it simply: there are no bad guys left in the world, so why is it necessary to have a city with walls and gates?

So it turns out that the penultimate chapter was extremely light on detail when it comes to what the righteous will actually be doing for all eternity. Still, one chapter to go, so fingers crossed…

Chapter 22 – Spoiler: aparently new “heaven” will be a golden city with a tree and a river and two thrones. That’s it?!?!?

This final chapter begins with john being shown “a pure river of water of life” that flowed “out of the throne of god and of the lamb“. Strangely, we’re then told that there was a “tree of life” on either side of the river. A tree that grows while straddling a river? Really hitting the symbolism hard, we learn that the tree bore “twelve manner of fruits, and yielded her fruit every month: and the leaves of the tree were for the healing of the nations“.

Does it bother anyone else that if you didn’t happen to come from one of the twelve tribes described all those books ago (in the pentateuch), then you really aren’t the main focus of heaven? Doesn’t that sound a tad more hierarchical and restrictive than you were assuming an egalitarian afterlife might be?

We’re then told that “there shall be no more curse“, however “his servants shall serve him” (that’s serve god and the lamb). So slavery was still to be a thing? Who, out of the righteous would have to still serve (doing what?) and who could take it easy in heaven? Even better: “and they shall see his face” (it’s about time), but even weirder: “and his name shall be in their foreheads“. So tattoos are back, or are the righteous just supposed to constantly think about god and the lamb? As per the previous chapter, we’re reminded that there won’t be any night in heaven (despite the lack of a sun) because god will provide the light – for ever and ever.

In case you were wondering, it’s all true because we’re told that an angel was sent down to tell us that it’s all true, and that it would shortly be done. Shortly? Of course, to get a ticket, all one had to do would be to “keepeth the sayings of the prophecy of this book” (including killing disobedient children and treating slaves just right).

Regardless, it all made john very excited and he “fell down to worship before the feet of the angel“. It’s not the first time that john has worshiped whatever was at hand, and once again he had to be reminded to save his fawning for the big chief.

The author(s) were a little too keen because they then told “john” to “seal not the sayings of the prophecy of this book: for the time is at hand“. Just a reminder that “revelation” was written in about 95 CE so it’s now approximately 1,930 years later, and therefore exactly what “at hand” meant way back then, is probably stretched beyond breaking by now.

There’s no way the author(s) of the book would have considered 1,930 years to be “shortly”, so sorry fundies, that alone is why the book is nonsense.

Not sure it needed saying, but the text reminds us that the unjust, filthy, righteous and/or holy will still be like that when god comes (quickly) to “give every man according as his work shall be“. More specifically, those following the commandments “may have right to the tree of life, and may enter in through the gates into the city“. Those not permitted are divided into the categories: dogs, sorcerers, whoremongers, murderers, idolaters and liars.

We’re then told that jesus has sent his “angel to testify unto you these things in the churches“. Further, he self-identifies as “the root and the offspring of david, and the bright and morning star”. Since the writing of “revelation” we have discovered that “the morning star” is the planet Venus. Then was offered an open invitation (to “come”) for anyone who wanted to “take the water of life freely“.

One of the worst passages for all modern religions is then stated (revelation 22:18-19):

For I testify unto every man that heareth the words of the prophecy of this book, If any man shall add unto these things, God shall add unto him the plagues that are written in this book: And if any man shall take away from the words of the book of this prophecy, God shall take away his part out of the book of life, and out of the holy city, and from the things which are written in this book.

That text actually covers the actions of just about every religion today. Of course they all justify the adding and removal of text, not just in the source text, but in the “explanations” they give for the problems in the source text. For some reason, the stated punishments don’t seem to worry those making the alterations. Perhaps they don’t really believe any of it but find it a useful tool to control, fleece and manipulate their “sheep”?

Finally, we get “He which testifieth these things saith, surely I come quickly. Amen. Even so, come, lord jesus. The grace of our lord jesus christ be with you all. Amen“. Just a reminder that “quickly” turned out to be wrong, when considered from the point of view of author(s) writing this stuff in 95 CE.

What?!?!? That’s it?!?!? Really?!?!?

So there is precisely nothing specific stated about the promised future for mankind? Sure, some people (all?) would get to serve, but how is that different from their current lives? Where are the benefits for all that “good” behavior as hinted at in the other 65 books of the (accepted) text?

The problems with eternity and immortality are dealt with on another page on this web site, and that page will really make you rethink what you desire from “eternity”. Just noting here that the book of “revelation” says nothing about meeting up with other people, e.g. parents, children, loved ones, colleagues, reformed pedophiles, etc. in the afterlife. The book literally says nothing about what people might be doing in the afterlife … forever. That’s because the iron-age men who invented the book had no idea about those things.

Please appreciate that the very worst thing that could happen to you is that you manage to live forever in a world such as the one “described” in the book of revelation. Be filled with joy that you are not one of the “chosen” few who will get to experience the horror forever.

So “heaven” actually turns out to be an impossibly enormous city called “new Jerusalem” which is made of gold and (likely) situated in the Middle East here on Earth? It also has a tree and a river and a couple of thrones! Where did all the fundies get the idea that heaven is “up there”? Perhaps the text’s description of “heaven” is a little too sobering for the ethereal theme that they want to sell to the masses?

Please fundies, have some sympathy for those of us who have actually read the texts and got to the end with a severely ripped off feeling. Didn’t the omniscient creator of the universe have the slightest clue about what actually follows the invitation into the “new Jerusalem”? Why not? Of course, us rational people know that the answer to that question is because the entire text is invented and re-imagined fiction created by power-hungry, petulant, superstitious and ignorant iron-age men.

Amen.

Thoughts

So god decides to let us in on what’s going to happen in “revelation” times, but he does that by allowing visions to be given to just one anonymous person (“john”)? Why? If you were the omniscient creator of a universe and you had a plan, would you “reveal” your plan in that way? How would you protect your revealed plan against the doubt and interpretations that are inevitably going to be generated by those stating that hallucinations and metaphors are no way to transmit reliable information? Not to mention the fraud injected into copies of the text by those wanting to enforce their own additions to the word?

Noting that there is no way of refuting the accusation that john was either a liar or a madman. How could a god leave the situation open to that accusation?

And remember that (as a god) your “plan” is going to ensure that the original of your “revelation” text is not going to survive! A tracked lineage of documentation is supremely important when evidence is being considered today, yet at no point in any biblical text is there mention of what the (so called) creator insisted happen to protect the lineage of the word that he thought was so important to impart to his beloved creation.

All religious people are inclined, should they even consider it, to attribute much of the nonsense in “revelations” to being metaphors. That allows them to run amok in the creation of a whole lot of fan-fiction interpretation of the book. And an amazing set of metaphors have been attributed to the work! There’s everything from cities and countries, to helicopters, to drones, to illness, to plagues, to nuclear weapons, to historical (and current) events, etc.

However, and apart from “babylon” being Rome and the “lamb” being jesus, much of the writing was not intended as metaphors; instead, it was vague because the author(s) had no idea whatsoever about what was coming up in the end times, and that vagueness is what is allowing modern-day readers to claim the book to be an elaborate series of metaphors. They also exaggerated for dramatic effect. So no, one of the horsemen was not a drone (or whatever), he was exactly what the author(s) imagined would be present in the end times. Giving the work credence based on tortured metaphors is nothing but intellectual dishonesty and an attempt to hang onto the last shred of indoctrinated beliefs.

An important point to remember about all this symbolism and numerology is that it places the text further away from being the word of an omniscient creator of the universe and closer to being a whinny subterfuge by petulant people in a cult who were being brought to account by the authorities (in Rome). Those Roman authorities had had enough of the death cult of Christianity, and so should you. Obviously the people in the cult weren’t pleased at the actions of the authorities, and “revelation” is mainly their attempt to push back at Rome.

If you were the omniscient creator of a universe and you decided to leave a message about the future for your creation, would you make it as vague as possible by filling it with metaphors that have a much more obvious political motivation? Sure, you might like to create some wiggle room when it comes to the timing of the end times (just to keep everyone on their toes), but why would you obfuscate everything with tortured metaphors?

There’s also no way of getting around the fact that because nothing has happened in almost 2,000 years after “revelation” was written, there is a huge logical problem with the text that claims it was all going to happen “soon” and “shortly”. The text is also very much a product of its time. Did god not realise that progress would be made in the following 2,000 years? For example, why build stories around horses when it could be around drones, tanks, lasers, or helicopters? Oh, that’s right: “john” didn’t know about drones and helicopters, so he wrote about the most powerful means of transport known to him – horses.

Have you noticed how the guys who have religion (the ones standing out the front who are dressed differently and who are asking you for money) ignore the details in “revelation”? Shouldn’t the book that brings it all together be front and center in their teachings? Could that be because even they realise that the book is really about an unknown author’s petulant description of a victorious foe (Rome)? Could they also be ignoring it because the book is full of ridiculous prophesies guesses that have zero chance of coming true?

We’re not seeing the prophesied men with marks on their foreheads, so either we are not in the end times, or we’re all for the chop (due to a lack of markings). Where is even one of the 144,000 “chosen” people today? And to anyone who just knows that it’s all true and who acts devoutly and follows the teachings, do you have a mark on your forehead that suggests you will be elevated above all of us heathens and unbelievers? Are you still a virgin? No? Oh dear. Perhaps it’s time to accept that you’re not one of the 144,000? Don’t worry though because they are a fiction.

If any of this is bothering you, please take a breath and remember that it’s all made-up nonsense that had only two purposes: to control the masses and to whine about the authorities who were trying to deal with the horrible first-century death cult of Christianity. It’s all past tense and it’s time to move on.