Introduction

The book of numbers is the fourth in the pentateuch – which are the five foundational volumes of Christianity, Islam and Judaism (the “abrahamic” religions). The book continues the story of the “exodus” and is placed after the book of leviticus and before the book of deuteronomy.

For more details about the complete journey and the events of moses et. al. (books 2, 3, 4 and 5 of the old testament), see “exodus? Get outta here!” (a page on this site).

It is believed that the book of numbers was compiled between 800-550 BCE, however the earliest fragments of the work are found in the Dead Sea Scrolls, circa first or second century BCE.

As usual, the following narrative uses lower case for character and place names if there is no certainty (e.g. no credible evidence) for the existence of that entity.

So, on with the continuing story…

Chapter 1 – A census counts the number of war-ready males in each tribe.

“And the lord spake unto moses…”; sorry, didn’t mean to start so literally, but there’s an awful lot of spaking between the lord and others in this book. Of course, there’s no plausible explanation about how anyone managed to record the words spaken. It’s obvious that moses wouldn’t have written about himself in the third person and there’s no indication of any other author, so how there can be any sort of direct lineage between these particular words of the lord (from about 1,350 BCE) and the oldest copy (well, fragments) of the book we have (no earlier than 600 BCE), is anyone’s guess? That’s at least 750 years (but probably closer to 1,000 years) during which the words could have been embellished or exaggerated (or simply made up).

But of course, people today are more than happy to based entire ways of life on that sort of flimsy backing. Oh, and just to be clear: there’s zero credible evidence that moses, aaron, anyone else in the book, or indeed “the lord” were real characters. So, with that out of the way, it’s on with the story (for real this time)…

The book starts on the first day of the second month in the second year after the Israelites left Egypt, with the lord requesting a counting of the men (twenty year old and upward) in the armies of the various tribes. There’s then a list of the names of the tribes and their leaders, however it’s ironic that the “book of numbers” immediately has a counting problem. It’s always stated that there were 12 tribes and even though 12 are listed here, the tribe of levi is omitted from this early list. Instead, the tribe of manasseh is added. That would make a total of 13 tribes. At other places in the book a random tribe will also be omitted.

A long (and very repetitive) section then lists each tribe and their numbers, and if you ever suffer from insomnia, this section might help. Oh, okay, here’s a summary (in the order given in the text):

• Tribe reuben (led by elizur, the son of shedeur): 46,500
• Tribe simeon (led by shelumiel, the son of zurishaddai): 59, 300
• Tribe judah (led by nahshon, the son of amminadab): 74,600
• Tribe issachar (led by nethaneel, the son of zuar): 54,400
• Tribe zebulun (led by eliab, the son of helon): 57,400
• Tribe ephraim – a child of joseph (led by elishama, the son of ammihud): 40,500
• Tribe manasseh – a child of joseph (led by gamaliel, the son of pedahzur): 32,200
• Tribe benjamin (led by abidan, the son of gideoni): 35,400
• Tribe dan (led by ahiezer, the son of ammishaddai): 62,700
• Tribe asher (led by pagiel, the son of ocran): 41,500
• Tribe gad (led by eliasaph, the son of deuel): 45,650
• Tribe naphtali (led by ahira, the son of enan): 53,400

(The color coding will be explained in the next chapter.)

In case you can’t find your calculator, the total is 603,550 male war-ready guys. For what is going to follow in the story of exodus, remember that number. But it gets much worse because the census didn’t count the tribe of levi and it didn’t count the elderly, nor the girls and women, nor the males under 20. The number would have been closer to 2 million people, so also remember that number.

In this case, there is an “explanation” for why the tribe of levi weren’t counted for it seems that they became the guardians of the tabernacle. They had to look after the “vessels thereof“, they had to camp around it, and when it became mobile they had to take it down and then set it up at the next destination, and, oh yes … any “stranger that cometh nigh shall be put to death” (by the levites). Wow, no warning signs or ropes or guards or instruction; instead, straight to execution. Peaceful god? Yeah, right.

Also note that the war motive of the story is firmly established by counting only war-ready males. That’s obviously the true purpose of the unleashed Israelites.

Incidentally, there appears to be a small logical problem reconciling the text with reality because the lord asked moses on the first day of the second month of the second year (of their travels) to take the census and “they assembled all the congregation together on the first day of the second month, and they declared their pedigrees after their families“. So that’s just hours to count 603,550 guys?

And why wouldn’t the omniscient creator of two trillion galaxies in the observable universe be able to take the census, and in an instant? As in: “hey guys, there are 654,321 of you”. Why waste the time of people who are probably going to miscount?

Chapter 2 – How the tribes are grouped and where each group can camp.

This chapter repeats the numbers of each tribe and sets out the grouping and location of each relative to the camp – which was to be “far off about the tabernacle“. The color given to each tribe in the above list shows the groupings. In terms of location, it had to be: blue to the east, red to the south, green to the west, and purple to the north. The levites were again singled out as not being numbered, however they were to be in the middle of the camp.

One of the awful things about the texts is how primitively tribal they are, and already we see the enforcement of the separation of people simply because of who their (distant) fathers were. And that separation is now reinforced geographically. This will inevitably lead to aspects of: mistrust, division, racism, aggression, violence and war. Apparently that was all normal for the iron-age men who wrote the texts.

Chapter 3 – Details of the levi tribe. Taxation of the levi firstborn.

The chapter starts with a little recap about how the lord murdered two of aaron’s sons (nadab and abihu, who were both childless) because they “offered strange fire“. That left aaron and his unmurdered sons, eleazar (who will become chief over the chief of the levites) and ithamar to minister in the priest’s office. The entire tribe of levi is then given unto aaron and his sons to do the daily and routine tasks related to the tabernacle – including putting to death any strangers who “cometh nigh“.

The lord then states that he has taken the levites to do this duty instead of the firstborn of all of the Israelites because all of the firstborn were already his. Apparently this ownership occurred on the day that he “smote all the firstborn in the land of Egypt“.

A more detailed breakdown of the levi tribe is then given:

• gershon. Males one month and older: 7,500. Chief of the house was eliasaph the son of lael. They shall pitch behind the tabernacle, westward. Charged with: the tabernacle’s tent, covering and door; with the court’s hangings and door; and “by the altar round about and the cords of it for the service thereof“. Sons:
  • libni
  • shimei
• kohath. Males one month and older: 8,600. They shall pitch on the side of the tabernacle, southward. Charged with: the ark, the table, the candlestick, the altars, the vessels of the sanctuary, the hanging, and all the service thereof. Sons:
  • amram
  • izehar
  • hebron
  • uzziel
    • elizaphan (chief of the tribe).
• merari. Males one month and older: 6,200. Chief of the tribe was zuriel the son of abihail. They shall pitch on the side of the tabernacle, northward. Charged with: the boards, the bars, the pillars, the sockets and the vessels of the tabernacle; and the court’s pillars, their sockets, their pins and their cords.
  • mahli
  • mushi

To the east of the tabernacle were to camp moses, aaron and his two remaining sons (keeping the charge of the sanctuary). Oh yes, and there’s another reminder about killing strangers who “cometh nigh“. There’s then a slight error in the arithmetic because the text lists the number of levite males (one month and older) to be 22,000 when it actually totals 22,300 (the total of the three numbers in the above list).

The lord then asks moses to count all of (from all tribes) the firstborn Israelites (one month and older), and apparently the total was 22,273. This is the first time in all the counting that a more accurate figure is given, i.e. not rounded to the nearest 100. The reason will soon become apparent: money.

Of the 22,273 it turns out that 273 were levite firstborn, and moses was instructed to take five shekels (100 gerahs) from each of them, giving a total of 1,365 shekels raised. The money was given to aaron and his sons. Where exactly people who were supposed to be considered as slaves in Egypt obtained money for taxation is not explained. It’s also not explained why aaron and his sons required money. Even if they managed to pass a strip mall in the desert, the money couldn’t possibly be spent to directly help two million people, so we can only assume that the money was to benefit the priestly class (hmmm). Why taxation for only the firstborn? Does the order in which life emerged endow a fiscal responsibility on that life? According to the omniscient creator of the universe it does.

Note: there’s still no mention of women.

Chapter 4 – Work rosters and numbers for the kohath, gershonites, and merari tribes.

The chapter quickly devolves into a micromanager’s dream come true, but give the omniscient one a break. Having created two trillion galaxies over 13 billion years earlier (or 6,000 years earlier if that’s your want), then his current days would be pretty wide open and he’d be scratching around for something to do.

Apparently the men aged from 30 to 50 from the kohath tribe (of which there were 2,750) were to be in charge of the most holy things. For example, when the camp setteth forward, aaron and his sons were to take down the covering vail and cover the ark of testimony with it. That’s pretty straightforward, but then there’s given a long list of the additional bits and pieces to which the lads were expected to attend. It’s all too boring, but suffice to say that the list includes: coverings of badgers’ skins, cloth wholly of blue, staves thereof, shewbread, dishes, spoons, bowls, various covers, continual bread, cloth of scarlet, more coverings of badgers’ skins, candlesticks, lamps, tongs, snuffdishes, ministering dishes, more cloth of blue for the golden altar, bars, censers, fleshhooks, shovels, altar vessels, more staves and, of course, more badgers’ skins. Why the omniscient creator of two trillion galaxies requires a particular piece of cloth to be scarlet is not explained.

After aaron and his sons completed the wrapping in badgers’ skins and cloth of the correct color, the appropriately-aged kohath men were to bear it all during the upcoming journey. However they were not to touch anything holy, “lest they die“.

To eleazar (son of aaron) was then given the tasks of handling: the oil for the light, sweet incense, daily meat (which means non-meat) offering, the anointing oil, the vessels, and the general oversight of the tabernacle. For these tasks he was to enlist help from the kohathites however they were not to see the holy things (before being covered) lest they die. (Knock, knock, knock, “Is it okay to come in now?”).

Then it’s on to the service of the tribe of gershonites for the males aged from 30 to 50 (of which there were 2,630). They were to bear the curtains, its coverings, the badgers’ skins, the hanging of the front door, the hangings of the court, the gate of the court, their cords, and the instruments of service. It fell to ithamar (the other son of aaron) to look after the gershonites.

Finally, it’s on to the service by the males aged 30 to 50 of the tribe of merari (of which there were 3,200). They were charged with looking after the boards, the bars, the pillars, sockets, and of course the pins, the cords and the instruments thereof.

The text then tacks on data for the entire tribe of the levites (presumably for those who cared but couldn’t sum three numbers just given). Apparently the number of those who were aged between 30 and 50 was 8,580.

This is as good a time as any to bring up the topics of workloads and rosters. There were supposedly 2,630 gershonite males aged between 30 and 50, however it would seem that the responsibilities listed above could be accomplished by a couple of guys in a couple of hours (e.g. when the large tent was camped and decamped), so what were the other 2,628 guys who were charged by their lord doing? And the tabernacle wasn’t moved all that often, so was it necessary to have a roster to begin cycling through the 2,630 guys? Were there a lot of guys who never got a turn? These perplexing questions also apply to the other tribes and their “responsibilities”.

However there does appear to be a statistical anomaly in the text. The percentages of males aged 30 to 50 for each main tribe compared to the number of males aged one month and older in that tribe are:

• gershon: (2,630 / 7,500) * 100 = 35%
• kohan: (2,750 / 8,600) * 100 = 32%
• merari: (3,200 / 6,200) * 100 = 52%
• The entire tribe of levi: (8,580 / 22,300) * 100 = 38%

What’s going on with the tribe of merari? If you wanted to be a male aged 30 to 50, that’d be the tribe to be in.

Chapter 5 – The text gives an abortion potion. How to falsely prove a woman has committed adultery.

This chapter deals with medical stuff. Well…

Anyone, male or female who is a leper (or has some sort of unidentifiable skin problem) or “whosoever is defiled by the dead” shall be put outside of the camp. Hallelujah! Women (albeit diseased) get mentioned in the book for the first time.

Anyone who commits a sin (whatever that encompasses or is interpreted as) shall confess and if appropriate shall recompense with a 120% payment to the person who was trespassed against. If however there’s no identifiable subject for recompense, then atonement has to be made to the lord via the priest.

The remainder of the chapter concerns the result of a husband believing (without evidence or witness) that his wife has committed a trespass by lying carnally with another man. Note that it’s the wife “going aside”, not the other man, and it’s all based on suspicion and jealousy. Here’s what then happened:

• The woman was taken before the priest.
• Payment of one tenth part of an ephah of barley meal was made to the priest as an “offering of jealousy”.
• The priest then took holy water and added to it dust from the floor of the tabernacle. This concoction was referred to as “bitter water”. (Seriously, that’s what apparently happened.)
• The woman then swore an oath of innocence and her oath was written on a scroll.
• The scroll was placed in the bitter water until the ink dissolved away. The scroll was then removed from the water.
• The offered grain was then burnt on the altar.
• The woman then drank the bitter water.
• If there were no physical consequences to the woman, she was considered to be innocent.
• If the woman was guilty, then she would suffer physical consequences. Her belly would swell and her “thigh” would rot. This is taken to mean that she would abort the fetus that her actions brought into being. She would also be cursed among her people and she would no longer be able to conceive children.

Powerful stuff which must have impressed the masses at the time. Today, not so much.

So the priest got to watch carefully for the emergence of an aborted fetus from the woman’s vagina following the drinking of the bitter water? Was that event of watching and waiting catered? Since we now know that the ritual is nonsense, did it not disappoint the priests that an aborted fetus never appeared? Or did they take the normal action of menstruation to be confirmation of the woman’s guilt (if that happened in the days following the drinking of the bitter water)?

The text doesn’t say how much water was to be drunk, but geez, anyone’s belly would swell if they had to drink enough water with floor dust in it.

We now know that a woman is fertile for only about 6 days each month with the highest chance of conception being the three days before and on her day of ovulation. The ignorant men who wrote the text didn’t know that and they based their mystic procedure on the assumption that a proof of adultery centered around the testing of the surety of pregnancy following fornication. There’s nothing in the text about the test being only a fifth (6 days out of 30) likely to be “fair”. And that’s assuming that sexual intercourse during a woman’s fertile period is guaranteed to lead to a pregnancy – which it is not. At best, the chance is 40% or less, with the odds dropping rapidly as the period increases before the day of ovulation. So a one-off knee trembler on a random day each month has less than about a 5% chance of leading to pregnancy. Did the lord not know that when devising the bitter-water ritual as a test for adultery?

So there’s no denying that the omniscient creator of the universe set out a ritual that involves unscientific nonsense and a healthy dose of magic. Dust from the floor of the tabernacle? Drinking dissolved ink? A swollen belly and an aborted fetus if guilty? The next time a religious fundamentalist dismisses some other culture or writing as “that’s just magic”, remind them of numbers chapter 5. Just curious: when was the last time that one of the elders in your religious institution said “right, today we’re going to go through the book of numbers, chapter 5”?

There’s also the thorny and minefield issue of the text offering a prescription for abortion.

And remember that all of this is based only on the suspicion and jealousy of a husband. All he needed was the required amount of barely and it’s off to the priest with the wife to suffer a humiliating ordeal. Can you just imagine eleazar peeping out of the front curtain of the tabernacle and saying “Oh no, here comes Fred again with his wife in one hand and grain in the other. Hey ithamar, get some water and why the hell did we just sweep up all the dust yesterday”.

Because the chapter is so ridiculous, the religious usually hide behind issues of translation, e.g. what does “thigh” mean. Even if the attempt to deflect and deny is ignored, they can never explain away the documented procedure of adding dust to holy water and it being used as a test. Sorry fundies, that’s magic.

Does it not bother a religious fundamentalist that the text is clearly nonsense? If this bit is nonsense, what else is nonsense?

Chapter 6 – Details of the vow of a nazarite.

The chapter describes a special vow (the vow of a nazarite) in which a man or woman would separate themselves and not drink wine or strong drink, nor eat moist or dried grapes, nor eat anything made from a vine tree or from the kernels even to the husk. They wouldn’t put a razor to the hairs on their head. He would also “come at no dead body” and not make himself unclean for a dead relative. If he came into contact with a dead body, sacrifices had to be offered and the vow restarted. (Note that the “woman” part of the vow got forgotten.)

At the end of the vow period, he had to shave his head, place the hairs in the sacrificial fire, and then offer a male lamb of the first year (obviously without blemish) as a burnt offering and one ewe lamb of the first year (obviously without blemish) as a sin offering and one ram (obviously without blemish) as a peace offering. Oh, “and a basket of unleavened bread, cakes of fine flour mingled with oil, and wafers of unleavened bread anointed with oil, and their meat offering, and their drink offerings“. The priests were going to eat well after a nazarite vow. The person who made the vow was then able to drink wine.

There’s then described a brief and generalized blessing from the lord to the children of Israel.

Chapter 7 – The tribes have to come up with lots of expensive offerings. moses listens to god.

A special day occurred after moses had the tabernacle fully set up because the leaders of all the 12 tribes made offerings of a total of 6 covered wagons and 12 oxen. Two wagons and 4 oxen were given to the gershonites, 4 wagons and 8 oxen were given to the merarities, but nothing was given to the kohathites because they were to bear their burdens on their shoulders.

For some unbelievable reason, the text then separates into 12 identical sections (one for each tribe) what could have been stated as follows. “Each tribe offered: one silver charger, the weight whereof was an hundred and thirty shekels, one silver bowl of seventy shekels, after the shekel of the sanctuary; both of them full of fine flour mingled with oil for a meat offering. One golden spoon of ten shekels, full of incense. One young bullock, one ram, one lamb of the first year, for a burnt offering. One kid of the goats for a sin offering. And for a sacrifice of peace offerings, two oxen, five rams, five he goats, five lambs of the first year“.

Instead, the above text is stated twelve times. It’s awful that some people believe that the weight of the text lends it credibility, but that’s marketing for you.

Additionally, towards the dedication of the altar, the princes of Israel offered: “twelve chargers of silver, twelve silver bowls, twelve spoons of gold. Each charger of silver weighing an hundred and thirty shekels, each bowl seventy: all the silver vessels weighed two thousand and four hundred shekels, after the shekel of the sanctuary. The golden spoons were twelve, full of incense, weighing ten shekels apiece, after the shekel of the sanctuary: all the gold of the spoons was an hundred and twenty shekels”.

One has to assume that the lord doesn’t use spoons or bowls, etc. so the lot must have ended up with the priests. That’s more transference of wealth. And once again, where did people who were supposed to be slaves get all that stuff?

Following the festivities, moses entered the tabernacle and heard the voice of the lord “speaking unto him from off the mercy seat that was upon the ark of the covenant, from between two cherubims“. O…kay.

Chapter 8 – Let there be (candle) light. How to purify your levite for religious service.

The chapter starts with instruction about lighting seven lamps to give light over the candlesticks. The candlestick shafts were made of beaten gold, but interestingly, the patterns used were “according unto the pattern which the lord had shewed moses“. How does a deity that doesn’t have much of a physical presence (if any) demonstrate a pattern?

Next, it’s spa day because the children of Israel were to be cleansed. That was achieved by sprinkling them with water of purifying, having them shave all of their flesh (all?), and washing their clothes.

Then, two young bulls were offered on their behalf: one as a sin offering and the other as a burnt offering.

Then the levites were brought before the lord (how?) and the children of Israel put their hands on them. So that’s about 1.9 million people putting their hands on about 50,000 people?

Then the levites put their hands upon the heads of the bullocks. So that’s about 50,000 people putting their hands on two (very tolerant) young bulls?

The animals were then sacrificed.

The lord then reiterated how the levites were really his, however he decided to give them as a gift to aaron and his remaining sons. People being used as commodities! The levites were then destined to help the priests with their service to the children of Israel. There is then a slight updating of the terms-and-conditions because only levites who were aged between 25 and 50 years were to give service.

Chapter 9 – How to have that other passover. How the Israelites knew when to travel.

Despite it being covered in chapter 23 of leviticius, apparently the lord needed to have another word to moses to remind everyone that the feast of passover was on the 14th of January. However it came to moses’ attention that there were some men who couldn’t celebrate on that day because they were either traveling or had come into contact with a dead body. Luckily, there was some wiggle room for those guys as they were entitled to celebrate passover on the 14th day of the second month (with unleavened bread and bitter herbs). Crisis averted. There was however a warning that if any eligible people didn’t celebrate passover then they were to be cut off from among their people.

It therefore becomes apparent that the entire book of numbers is not in chronological order because chapter 1 of the book started in the second month of the second year after leaving Egypt, yet here we are back in the first month of the second year.

The chapter then (sort of) gives the green light for the Israelites as they traveled when the tabernacle wasn’t covered with cloud during the day and fire at night. The cloud is supposed to be the lord of course, but why the lord needed to settle as a cloud for periods of time and thus prevent travel is not explained. And what periods they were: “or whether it were two days, or a month, or a year, that the cloud tarried upon the tabernacle, remaining thereon, the children of Israel abode in their tents, and journeyed not“. So they just sat in their tents for a year as a cloud hovered?

The weird thing about all this is that it seems completely unnecessary for the few weeks they would need to travel to the promised lands. Don’t forget that was still the plan at this stage.

Chapter 10 – god decides to use trumpets to notify (a small set of) the people.

Apparently the visual signal of the absence of a cloud over the tabernacle wasn’t enough because the lord then ordered moses to order the production of two silver trumpets. These were to be used to call the assembly with various signals. Using both trumpets was the signal for all to assemble at the door of the tabernacle (all two million apparently).

If only one trumpet was used (either would be okay), then only the heads of the tribes were to gather. If one alarm was blown then only those on the east side shall go forward, however if a second alarm were to be blown then those on the south side should also go forward. An alarm (with both trumpets) would be sounded when it was time to “go to war in the land against the enemy that oppresseth“. Lastly, the trumpets would be used to blow over the burnt and peace offerings.

Up to two million people and their livestock would require a circular area that had a radius of at least 20 kilometers (over 12 miles), and possibly up to 30 kilometers radius depending on the terrain. On open ground, a trumpet can only be heard for 0.5 miles (about 800 meters). There’s no way that the sound from two trumpets would be able to reach the number of people indicated by the recent census, but no one was trying for accuracy on this one.

Even though the previous chapter indicated that traveling had started, this chapter gives the exact day that the journey was supposed to have started: the 20th of February. There’s then a pointless list confirming that each tribe set forth in a particular order.

Despite being in the presence of the omniscient creator of the universe, and despite pleading to the contrary, moses’ father-in-law (hobab, the son of raguel the midianite) didn’t want to travel with them all. He wanted to depart to his own land to be with his kindred however it seems that moses talked him into the journey. Poor hobab! If only he knew what was to come.

Chapter 11 – The people have a whinge. god has a hissy fit and murders random groups of people. The camp moves to hazeroth.

It turns out that forcing people into tents in the desert causes them to complain a bit – which led the lord to be displeased and angry. So angry in fact that he turned into fire and start to consume “them that were in the uttermost parts of the camp“. This act of murder caused the people to cry out to moses, who then prayed to the lord, who then quenched the fire.

This disproportionate act, which could be tempered by a lowly mortal’s appeal, obviously disqualifies someone from being an omniscient creator of the universe. The place where this murder took place was called taberah and it won’t surprise anyone to learn that the location of taberah is unknown today.

For some reason the people did not learn from the burning because they continued to complain about having no meat to eat. They pointed out that in Egypt they had fish, cucumbers, melons, leek, onions and garlic. They also mentioned that the mana they had been given – which was as coriander seed and had the color of bdellium (a fragrant resin from myrrh trees) didn’t quite cut it.

In another hasty overreaction, the lord promised to give them meat to eat for a month until it became loathsome to them. Why so vindictive god?

In a move that kinda bypassed the leaders of the various tribes (outlined earlier in the book), the lord got moses to appoint 70 elders to assist with the duties of leadership. Two of those, eldad and medad decided to “do prophesy” in the camp (as opposed to the tabernacle), which caused moses to dish out some forbidding and for the lord to put his spirit upon them.

The lord then whipped up the wind and carried a heap of quails from the sea to the camp, however in a blatant disregard for his recent statement about the people having to endure the quails for a month, the lord decided to perform a bit more murder as he “smote the people with a very great plague” while “the flesh was yet between their teeth“.

Even though the people were only doing what the lord had organized for them, they were treated as being lustful and were murdered and buried. The place where this is all supposed to have happened was called kibroth-hattaavah, however no one today knows where that is. Following that stop-over, the camp moved on to hazeroth (whose precise location is also unknown).

It’s not adequately explained by the text why quails were needed when the people had all the cattle, pigeons and turtledoves that they were regularly expected to provide towards burnt offerings?

Chapter 12 – Racist miriam and aaron speak ill of moses’ wife. The camp moves to paran.

In a clear bit of racism, moses’ siblings, miriam and aaron spoke ill of moses because of the Ethiopian (Kushite) wife he had chosen. This dissent didn’t please the lord because he inflicted leprosy on miriam and nothing on aaron (of course). After aaron beseeched moses and moses beseeched the lord, the lord relented and cured miriam. However as punishment she was shut out from the camp for seven days.

This is another case of the overreaction of a supposedly omniscient being, subsequently talked around by a more level-headed mortal.

The camp then moved from hazeroth into the wilderness of paran (whose location is debated).

This chapter is a meaningless bit of nonsense that serves only to try and impress the ignorant reader into believing the power wielded by the lord – and how it might happen to them if they dissent. It’s all about power and control.

Chapter 13 – Spies are sent to the promised land. Spies come back with mixed messages.

The lord then instructs moses to send 12 tribal leaders (all listed in the text) to go and scout the land of Canaan (the promised land). Canaan is not precisely defined, however it comprised modern-day Israel, Palestine, Lebanon and parts of western Jordan and Syria.

The leaders sent were spies who were to assess the land (whether it be good or bad, fat or lean, and whether it has trees and grapes), the people that dwelleth therein (be they strong or weak), and their cities (be they made of tents or strongholds).

After 40 days (note the neatness and foreshadowing of that number), the spies returned from many lands (listed in the text) and showed the people the fruits of the land they had visited. They described the lands as being of “milk and honey”. Unfortunately for all they also reported that the people in those lands were strong and the cities were walled and very great. Apparently “the amalekites dwell in the land of the south: and the hittites, and the jebusites, and the amorites, dwell in the mountains: and the canaanites dwell by the sea, and by the coast of Jordan“.

The fact that the people who occupied the lands were reported to be very strong didn’t worry two of the spies (caleb and to a lesser extent, joshua) because they urged everyone to go and get the lands. The other 10 spies then reiterated that the people they had observed were more like giants compared to the minuscule nature of the Israelites – who were likened to being “grasshoppers” in comparison.

Notice how easy it was for a dozen guys to go to the promised lands for a six-week camping holiday? This will become relevant when (spoiler alert) two-million people manage to get “lost” for 40 years.

Chapter 14 – Further dissent gets everyone a 40-year-in-the-wilderness bonus. god gets ten dissenters murdered.

The spies’ reports dismayed the people and they questioned why they had been brought into the wilderness only to die by the sword. They even raised the talking point of whether it might not be better to return to Egypt.

This caused moses and aaron to fall on their faces (as you do) and for joshua (son of nun) and caleb (son of jephunneh) to rent their clothes (as you don’t). Despite trying to convince them that the lands could be theirs (with the lord’s help), the people started to look around for stones to sort things out for themselves.

This dissent didn’t go unnoticed by the lord who asked moses why the people still don’t believe him after all the signs he had sent them? It’s a reasonable question to ask, however why an omniscient being is seeking the thoughts of a mortal is not explained.

The lord comes up with a solution of smiting everyone except for a few goodies. For some reason it comes to moses to suggest that this strategy might not look so good in the eyes of their enemies, and the lord, upon further reflection changes his punishment to letting the dissenters live however they will never gain entrance to the promised lands. Once again, you have to ask just how omniscient is a being who can have his plans changed after a few words with a mortal?

There was a caveat to the plan when the lord explained that the restriction to entry only applied to the dissenters who were aged 20 or more. So a dissenter aged 19 and 11 months was good to go, but someone aged one month more would never enter the promised lands? Why?

And then the real downer: everyone was to wander in the desert for 40 years. That really made no sense because it dished out the same punishment to the non-dissenters and to the people who were under 20 years old. The punishment was basically like saying to the policemen, lawyers who managed to get someone convicted for 40 years imprisonment that they would be joining the prisoner for the duration of the sentence.

And the whole basis of the punishment was so that the dissenters’ “carcases be wasted in the wilderness“, however that makes no sense either. How was it to be ensured that a dissenter aged 21 was to definitely wither away by age 61 when it was reported that at least one of the group lived until 120? Surely many of the dissenters would have lived well beyond 60?

The lord still managed to do a bit of smiting because he got the amalekites and the canaanites to strike down the ten spies who had dissented (via reports that could be said to be honest assessments, but what can you do).

Chapter 15 – A repeat of the offering rules. Ignorance is not an excuse. A man is murdered for picking up sticks on the wrong day.

For an unknown reason, the chapter starts with another listing of what constitutes offerings, broken down by the burnt offering type. Sigh:

• If offering a lamb: the meat offering shall be a tenth deal of flour mingled with the fourth of a hin of oil and the drink offering shall be a fourth part of an hin of wine.
• If offering a ram: the meat offering shall be two tenth deals of flour mingled with the third part of an hin of oil and the drink offering shall be a third part of an hin of wine.
• If offering a bullock: the meat offering shall be three tenth deals of flour mingled with half a hin of oil and the drink offering shall be half an hin of wine.

Recall that “meat” in this context means non-flesh.

A recurring problem with the texts is that none of it is verifiable and there are no contemporary sources supporting any part of the texts. Surprisingly, this vagueness extends to things as mundane as measurements:

• A deal is a measure of dry goods, usually stated as one tenth of an ephah. An ephah is approximately equal to 22 liters or US 5.8 gallons. A deal is sometimes called an omer.
• A hin is a liquid measure equivalent to about 5.7 liters or 1.5 US gallons, however some sources give the hin as being approximately 3.6 to 4 liters or about 1 US gallon. A hin is also about 1/6 of a bath.

There’s then a reminder that the above offerings apply equally to locals and strangers. What is not explained is when one type of offering is permissible or required over another. It’s also not explained just how the lord uses these offerings. Do the priests e.t al. just eat and drink very well that night?

Apparently there’s also something called a heave offering which is a cake made with the first of a dough.

Any chance of a loophole is then dashed because the lord points out that sinning out of ignorance of the law shall result in a bullock offering and one kid of a goat. That implies that there was a system in place of policing and reporting friends, family, neighbors and strangers who acted out of ignorance. And what’s with the increase in punishment for ignorance? Surely it should be less (or a warning) until the person involved has been brought up to speed?

In case some were to feel that the above is unfair, there’s then given an explicit rule whereby anyone reproaching the lord shall be cut of from their people. So no complaining, understood?

What’s a bunch of rules without an example, and the lord then gives a doozy. It seems that the Israelites while wandering in the desert chanced upon a man who was picking up sticks on the sabbath. The man was brought to the attention of moses and aaron, but because they were unsure of what to do, they sought the advice of the lord – who commanded that the man be stoned to death. The sentence was carried out.

There’s so much wrong with this case that it staggers belief:

• What’s the point in all of the rules about making offerings for “sin” if someone picking up sticks isn’t given the opportunity to bring a lamb or ram or bullock (plus kid if necessary) to atone?
• Whoever wrote this part of the book obviously wasn’t aware of exodus 31:15 which states exactly what has to happen in the case of someone working on the sabbath. So why were moses and aaron unsure of what to do?
• For goodness sake, the man’s “crime” can hardly be less serious. It’s not like he raped or murdered someone; he just picked up sticks, obviously to make a fire for normal functional survival. In other words, he or his family were cold or hungry. Is that really working? It seems that he wasn’t an Israelite (he was found by the children of Israel), so there’s a real chance that he was ignorant of the laws that had been handed out in his absence.
• Where’s the tolerance of an omnipotent creator of the universe who is supposedly loving and merciful towards his creation? Where are the warnings and education? The next time some buffoon tries to tell you about their loving and merciful god, ask them to explain the book of numbers chapter 15 verses 32 to 36.
• The example is obviously about control and power. The point being made is that everyone – and that means you – is subject to the laws and punishments for everything that could possibly be considered a crime, no matter how trivial – no exception. The text was made by power-hungry immoral monsters.

Unbelievably, the lord then feels the need to instruct everyone to attach a fringe (tassels) of blue material to their garments (for all generations to come) so that they are constantly reminded about the commandments that they have been given. Why blue? Are people’s memory for ten commandments is that bad?

Okay fundies, did you go out today without any blue tassels on your clothes? That sounds worse than picking up sticks on Saturday afternoon, so you should report yourself for an immediate stoning. Maybe the lack of blue tassels is why all fundamentalist religious people are constantly breaking the ten commandments that they feel are essential for other people to follow? Maybe the blue tassels were really needed so that the people in a position of power could more easily identify (especially at a distance) the people they wanted to subjugate?

Chapter 16 – god murders 253 dissenters. god murders 14,700 dissenters.

The chapter’s story is about korah (son of izhar, from the tribe of levi) who got together 250 well-known dudes and questioned the authority of moses and aaron. In this accusation, korah enlisted the help of dathan and abiram (sons of eliab) as ringleaders. Together, they pointed out that everyone had been brought out of a land of milk and honey into a place of wilderness that was without milk and honey.

This made moses very wroth and he promptly fell upon his face. The rebels were marked with incense and made to stand in the door of the tabernacle to await the arrival of the lord’s spirit (to which moses had appealed). Off topic: there being 250 meant that it was a pretty big door in the tent.

The lord summed up the situation and decided to “consume” (that’s “put to death” in normal language) all of the congregation. Yep, 253 did some whinging so about 2 million were sentenced to death. Once again it was up to mere mortals (moses and aaron) to point out the problem with the plan of an omniscient being, and the lord relented on his kill-all intent.

Instead, the three ringleaders were brought forth and were swallowed up by a hole in the Earth. Additionally, the lord used fire to kill the 250 rebels. The containers (censers) that the rebels had used for burning incense were to be made into plates and used to cover the altar so that all would have a nice visual reminder of what happens when anyone dares to offer dissent.

All this killing didn’t go unnoticed by the other people in the congregation and it seemed there was universal condemnation of the killing of 253 the previous day. This caused the lord to again swing into action in wanting to consume (kill) everyone. Again, moses and aaron pleaded and managed to change an omniscient mind, who dialed down the punishment to only being a plague on everyone. Still, that plague managed to kill 14,700 people.

This chapter is another horrific example of crime and punishment. It is telling that it follows the pick-up-sticks example given in the previous chapter because, taken together, they encompass everyone – from a single person to all. Not that tolerant a god, is he?

And, as usual, it’s ridiculous to imagine an omniscient being who created at least two trillion galaxies getting angry and then being talked out of a plan during the next conversation with one of his creation.

Chapter 17 – god uses magic to select aaron. Those who don’t stay away from the tabernacle must be murdered.

Perhaps because of all the recent killings, the writers of this chapter felt the time right for a bit of magic.

To try and quell all the dissent, the lord came up with a fair and well-thought-out test. He got everyone of the leaders of the 12 tribes to write their name on rods (bare, straightish tree branches). Into that collection of rods he got aaron to write his name on a rod and all 13 were placed in the tabernacle overnight.

The next day the rods were retrieved however only one of them had brought forth buds and blossoms and had yielded almonds. And that rod belonged to … aaron! The transformed rod was to be kept in the ark (with the testimony) as a sign for all to remember who was really in charge.

The chapter ends with another warning for the majority to stay away from the tabernacle else they be subjected to a bit of death.

Rods don’t sprout buds, blossoms and almonds, and they certainly don’t do it overnight, so any time a fundie disparages some sort of magic in another culture perhaps remind them of the magic in their own.

None of the underlying causes for dissent by the masses were addressed by the actions in the chapter. All that happened was that, due to some sort of supernatural event, the people were meant to just accept their grievances. Perhaps a sit-down and talk about the master plan would do more to help people get on the program? Just sayin’.

Chapter 18 – The priests eat for free and received 10% tithes from the people.

The chapter starts with the lord explaining (again) to aaron how he, and his sons were to perform the priestly duties and to be in charge of the bits and pieces to do with those duties. He also reminded aaron how the levites were given to help with those duties, and how any strangers who approached the tabernacle were to be put to death.

And then it’s down to the nitty-gritty: the self-serving nature of the job. Apparently, from certain offerings “all the best of the oil, and all the best of the wine, and of the wheat, the firstfruits of them which they shall offer unto the lord, them have I given thee“. Nice; if you can get it.

There was also to be a system of tithing to the tune of five shekels (which is 100 gerahs in case you weren’t paying attention earlier). Anything older than a month that wasn’t a first born (with a blanket exception given to cows, sheep and goats – because they are holy apparently) would need to be redeemed via that payment. And that includes children! The first-born animals were to be used as sacrifices, with their blood sprinkled on the altar and the rest burnt. Luckily the priests were able to take the right shoulder for food.

However there was a down side because the lord then makes it clear that the levites were not to inherit land. Instead, they were to be given 10% of the product of the land as a tithe for their service. However they had to give a tenth of that to the lord (as a sort of heave offering).

So the priests were to eat and drink very well and the levites didn’t have to do much to get paid by the other tribes. In case you think helping out at ye olde tabernacle was onerous for the levites, remember that there were about 50,000 of them to divide up the tasks.

Chapter 19 – How to use magic water and ashes.

In case there wasn’t enough superstitious nonsense so far, this chapter takes it up a notch.

The lord mentioned to moses and aaron that they were to get a red heifer that didn’t have spots and was without blemish (of course) and which had never done work (“which never came yoke“). That poor animal was then given to elezar the priest who promptly sacrificed her. He then used his finger to sprinkle her blood before the tabernacle seven times.

The heifer was then to be burned with cedar wood, hyssop (a shrub in the mint family) and scarlet. The priest (and anyone else involved in the witchcraft) was then to wash his clothes and have a bath – so as to be “clean”. The ashes of the animal were saved to make water of purification. That water could then be used to sprinkle onto anyone who had to touch a dead body (which had rendered them “unclean”). Anyone not purifying themselves would be cut off from their people. Anyone who even came into the tent containing a dead person was to be considered unclean for seven days. Even open vessels in the tent were to be considered unclean.

“And whosoever toucheth one that is slain with a sword in the open fields, or a dead body, or a bone of a man, or a grave, shall be unclean seven days“. And the way to fix the problem was to get some of the ashes of the heifer which were placed in water with hyssop and then sprinkled onto the tent and onto the vessels and on the affected persons. And it wasn’t a one-off procedure because the sprinkling had to happen again on the third day – on the way to seven days, at which time he was to wash himself and his clothes to achieve cleanliness.

It’s obvious that the text was written by men who had no idea about germs, bacteria, sanitation, hygiene, etc. Why did the heifer have to be red and spotless? Why sprinkle blood seven times? What exactly is wrong about touching a grave? Why the elaborate ritual? And why three days? And why seven days? Why not six or eight days? We know today that the number seven in this context is meaningless, so shouldn’t the omniscient creator of the universe have known it? Why not give accurate advice that was useful?

It’s nothing more than superstitious magic. Still, it’s worth remembering this nonsense when fundies decry “magic” that they are happy to ridicule in other people’s cultures.

Chapter 20 – Arrival at kadesh. moses extracts water from a rock – the wrong way. aaron dies.

The chapter begins with the Israelites reaching kadesh in the desert of zin, in January. Needless to say, there is debate about where the biblical kadesh was, but strangely it seems to be located in the northern Sinai peninsula, near the border with modern-day Israel. It’s strange because it’s a little too close to the eventual goal of the Israelites to be commensurate with their being lost in the desert for 40 years. Oh, and miriam (the sister of moses and aaron) died and was buried there. Yep, there were far too many women in the story, so best to eliminate one just to be sure.

Finally it dawned on the guys who were writing this stuff that water (for two million people) might be a problem in the desert, so they had the Israelites start to whinge about the lack of it. That would be more whinging about why they had been extricated from Egypt – a place of seed and figs and vines and pomegranates and water.

This dissent led moses and aaron to the “door” of the tabernacle where they fell upon their faces as the lord appeared before them. Being omniscient (this time at least) the lord knew why they had come and gave them a rod with the instructions to go to a nearby rock and speak to it until it gave forth enough water for all the people and their beasts.

This moses did – sort of. Instead of speaking to the rock, moses decided to hit the rock twice with the rod he’d just been given. Poor moses must have been feeling pretty chuffed because “water came out abundantly, and the congregation drank, and their beasts also“. Unfortunately, for some reason the lord was mightily unhappy with the lads and forbid moses and aaron from entering the promised lands.

It’s not clear if the lord’s unhappiness was because moses hit the rock twice (instead of once) or because he used a rod instead of his voice? You have to feel for moses on this one because surely he felt tooled-up having been given a rod (without instruction) by the omniscient creator of the universe? What was he supposed to do with the rod under the circumstances? Incidentally, the rock is supposed to be located at meribah, but of course, no one knows where that is. There is also a precedence for the rock-striking (see exodus chapter 17) and moses could rightly feel a little hard done by.

The story then shudders in a new direction as moses appeals (via messengers) to the king of edom to let the Israelites pass through the king’s lands. It’s made really clear that everyone intended to stick to the road and not drink from the wells, however the king of edon decided to deny them passage through his lands – “lest I come out against thee with the sword“. There was a bit of arguing back and forth but the king did not relent.

The Israelites then traveled to mount hor, and it shouldn’t come as a surprise that the location of the mountain is still a topic of debate. It is supposed to be on the edge of the kingdom of edom. The lord then spoke to moses and aaron and repeated that the lads wouldn’t be entering into the promised land due to the disobedience over the rock-producing-water fiasco. Unbelievably, the lord then said that aaron should be taken up to the mountain, his clothes stripped and placed on his son eleazar, and then he (aaron) was to die there. Apparently eleazar was to be the new high priest!

You really have to feel for aaron here because it was moses who disobeyed the lord. Can you imagine aaron looking around nervously as he heard the omniscient creator of the universe say that he was to be stripped of his clothes and die on a nearby bit of rock? Apparently when the congregation saw that aaron was dead, they mourned for 30 days.

Honestly, it’s all too silly and neat. Why would aaron just die? Did the lord do another bit of ultra violence on him? This ridiculous chapter is mainly about tying up some loose ends – that someone thought were frayed.

And a quick reality check: assuming that it take 10 seconds for a person to drink, that’s 33 weeks (for 24 hours per day) for all two million people to drink from the rock – and that’s not including the beasts. Needless to say, and remember that it was a desert, every one of the people who drank on the first day would need to drink again on the second day, etc., so it’s impossible for a rock to supply water for their needs of more than a thousand people, at best. Or were the small number who were whinging about a lack of water just those who failed to see how the almost two-million others were obtaining their water nearby? Oh, and of course, a rock doesn’t give water just because a man hits it twice with a rod (or speaks to it).

Chapter 21 – god murders people. The camp gets to bashan. The Israelites commit genocide in the name of god.

Okay, so let’s get into the genocide.

King arad (a canaanite) disliked the attempt by the Israelites to use spies against him, so he took some of them as prisoners. The lord disliked this and he worked with the Israelites to utterly destroy the king, his people, and their cities at a placed called hormah (which of course no one knows the location thereof today). Fair?

Following the victory the people journeyed from mount hor by the way of the Red Sea to compass the land of edom, however the people weren’t happy and decided to do more whinging about why they had been led out of Egypt to be in the desert. You’d have thought the people would have learned by now not to question the omniscient creator of the universe, but no.

The lord however was pretty understanding and decided to have a chat with the dissenters to help them over their problems. Only kidding! What he actually did was send fiery serpents to bite and ultimately kill many of the people. BTW, fiery serpents is magic.

The snakes caused the people to admit their mistake in complaining, and they asked moses to pray to the lord on their behalf to take away the serpents – which moses did. However instead of just hand-waving a solution (as he had done to cause the problem), the lord instructed moses to construct a serpent made from brass and to mount it on a pole. The idea being that if anyone had been bitten, then gazing upon the statue would cause them to live. What’s not clear is if this cure applied to those already dead or only to those who had been bitten and were going to die? Either way, that would be more magic fundies.

Following the excitement of the serpent, the Israelites set forward and pitched their tents in oboth, then on to ijeabarim, then on to the valley of zared on the other side of the arnon river. Suffice to say that the actual location of those camping places is unknown today.

The next bit is bizarre because the text mentions a “book of the wars of the lord”, however that book is unknown today. So the omniscient creator of the universe wanted to include a reference to a book about his wars, but could not prevent that book from being lost for all time? Why?

They all then traveled via a place called ar (unknown) to a place called beer (thought to be beer-sheba). There, the lord revealed a well to supply people with more water. Then it was on to a sequence of locations: mattanah, nahaliel, bamoth, and up to the pisgah mountains which looked toward the region of jeshimon. (The locations of none of those cities are known today.) It’s not mentioned how the Israelites faired in those places although the fact that they visited them does sort of ruin the lost-in-the-desert theme that was being pushed.

At the last location the Israelites sent messengers to sihon, king of the amorites saying that all they wished to do was to pass through the king’s lands and they promised not to touch the fields, vineyards or wells. This is a theme that worked earlier in the book, so why not give it another run? The king refused the offer and actually sent troops to fight the Israelites at jahaz (which is an unknown place today). Unfortunately for sihon, he lost and the Israelites “possessed his land from arnon unto jabbok, even unto the children of ammon“.

Strangely, the text then says that the Israelites took the cities and “dwelt in all the cities of the amorites, in heshbon, and in the villages thereof“. It’s strange because the text has now definitively stated that the Israelites were not lost in the desert. In fact, it looked like they were living the good life in a city at the expense of their murdered foes – people who believed in a god called chemosh. So was the lord stating that he believed in the existence of another god? Apparently other cities that the Israelites conquered include: dibon, nophah, medeba and jaazer.

Then it was on to bashan (whose king was named og) where the Israelites killed all the people – yep, none left alive. Have a think about that. They killed the women and children, the elderly, the sick, and the babies. It’s not even stated what the people of bashan did wrong? They simply lived.

Proud, are you to identify with such murderous thugs? Or do you just hand wave away genocide? One does wonder if such an attitude might come back to haunt the descendants of those Israelites?

The elephant in the room is of course the blind acceptance that the Israelites were capable of simply marching in and defeating every enemy. They were supposed to be slaves remember, so how did they manage to universally defeat the trained soldiers that would have been located in every city they encountered? There’s also no mention about how a people lost in the desert managed to operate the machinery of war needed to destroy cities full of people?

Doesn’t it just seem more and more like a fairy tale?

Chapter 22 – The camp gets to Moab. There’s an amusing story with a talking donkey.

The magic level is taken up quite a few notches in this chapter.

The Israelites pitched their camp in the plains of Moab – something that scared king balak (son of zippor) because he knew what the bloodthirsty mob had done to the amorites. King balak had a word to the elders of midian about how he was worried that the Israelites would “lick up all that are around us, as the ox licketh up the grass of the field“. Fair enough, after all, it was their land so they had every right to be worried about the actions of foreigners. The king decided to send messengers to balaam, the son of beor to pethor, requesting that he come along and curse the invaders. Apparently balaam was a prophet and diviner who was capable of delivering real curses – something that he and various princes of moab were determined to do.

This didn’t go unnoticed by the lord who came unto balaam and said “what men are these with thee?” – a question that does tend to undermine the omniscient aspect of his character. After balaam explained the situation, the lord told balaam that he wouldn’t be cursing anyone because the Israelites were blessed (well, except for the thousands that the lord had already murdered).

King balak wasn’t too impressed by the refusal and he entreated balaam, this time with even worthier princes of moab to give the Israelites a really good cursing. However balaam refused to go against the word of the lord (not even for a house full of silver and gold).

Even though all seemed to be good, the lord cooked up a plan in which he told balaam to pretend to go with the princes of moab if they came asking again. This happened, and balaam saddled his ass (donkey) and set off. For a bewildering reason, this upset the lord (despite it being his plan) and he sent an angel (with sword) to stand in their way. The sensible one in the party turned out to be the donkey because she took one look at the angel and decided to wander off into the nearest field. This displeased balaam and he gave his ass a good whacking to try and get her back with the program. This time the donkey tried to derail the plan by walking close to a wall – crushing balaam’s foot – something that resulted in another whacking. The angel finally had enough of all this and managed to trap the party in a narrow place so that the poor donkey could turn neither left nor right. Can’t you see the headline the next day: “Angel outwits donkey”? Having all available strategies removed, the ass fell down under balaam – something that resulted in another whacking, this time with a staff. Had balaam just been using his hand the previous two whackings?

Then it gets weird because “the lord opened the mouth of the ass” who complained to balaam about the violence thrown in her direction – something that balaam explained was because he thought she was mocking him with all her antics. In fact, balaam said that if he had a sword, he would have kill her. By the way fundies, a talking donkey (which doesn’t have the appropriate vocal chords to talk) is … magic. Another weird aspect is that balaam expressed no surprise regarding a talking donkey … he just continued with a conversation as if it was the most natural thing in the world. (Still don’t believe this is fictional nonsense?)

There’s a funny aspect to the events because it turns out that only the donkey could see the angel – something the lord then corrected as he opened the eyes of balaam so that he too could see a sword-wielding angel. This caused balaam to bow down his head and fall flat on his face.

It gets even funnier because the angel then asks balaam why he was whacking his ass? You’d think the angel would have been in on the lord’s amusing plan, but apparently not. For some reason, balaam told the angel that he had sinned by not seeing the angel and subsequently whacking his donkey. The angel thought that everything had been sorted and told balaam to go and meet with the king, but only to speak the way the lord wanted him to speak.

The king then met with balaam, who informed the king that he was now only able to speak the words that the lord wants him to speak. (Free will gone?) The pair then traveled to kirjath huzoth (somewhere that is unknown today) and the king offered balaam oxen and sheep before taking him to the high places of baal where they could see the Israelites.

The chapter ends abruptly at that point.

Chapter 23 – balaam is thwarted in his attempted cursing.

At the vantage point, the prophet balaam directed king balak to build seven altars and to prepare seven oxen and seven rams – which the king did. After the pair slaughtered one of each animal on each altar, the king was then ordered to stay by the burnt offerings while balaam went to chat with the lord at an even higher place than the current high place in baal.

The lord then “put a word in balaam’s mouth” (ensuring that he really had lost free will), and balaam returned to the king who thought that all was good to go with the cursing of the Israelites that he had been planning from the get go. After balaam explained that he wouldn’t be doing any cursing today, the king decided to have another go by directing balaam to a different location (to the top of pisgah via the field of zophim) where another seven altars were built and another fourteen animals were sacrificed.

This time balaam only went to meet the lord “yonder“, however the outcome was the same because the lord put “a word into his mouth” and directed him to return to the king. Back at the BBQ, balaam explained to the king that the lord was someone who stuck to what he said (yeah, right) and that he had the strength of a unicorn.

On a side note, there’s no evidence supporting the existence of unicorns, but the guys who wrote the bible stated that they existed. The king went a little soft at this point and directed balaam to neither curse nor bless the Israelites in front of them (as seen from the high vantage point on the mountain). When balaam explained that wasn’t an option, the king decided to have one more go by directing balaam to a different location (to the top of peor than overlooked jeshimon) where another seven altars were built and another fourteen animals were sacrificed. Seriously, this is what the author(s) thought happened.

The chapter ends abruptly at that point.

Chapter 24 – balaam blesses instead of curses.

It was no use for king balak because balaam had decided to bless the Israelites (instead of cursing the)m, and he really went overboard with his blessing. He described the tents and tabernacle as godly. He noted the “gardens by the river’s side, as the trees of lign aloes which the lord hath planted, and as cedar trees beside the waters“. Hang on, when did the lord do that? Weren’t the Israelites supposed to be wandering lost in the desert? When did they become local to a garden?

The blessing continued: “he shall pour the water out of his buckets, and his seed shall be in the many waters, and his king shall be higher than agag, and his kingdom shall be exalted“. He added a bit about god having the strength of a unicorn, being able to eat up nations that were his enemies, breaking their bones and piercing them with arrows, how he shall be a great lion, and finally “blessed is he that blesseth thee, and cursed is he that curseth thee“. That seemed to hit the highlights of a jolly effective blessing.

That was the final straw for king balak because he smote his hands together and accused balaam of blessing when he should have been cursing. However balaam was adamant and even went so far as to have a vision (a trance-like state with his eyes still open) in which he said there will come a star out of jacob and a scepter shall rise out of Israel, and shall smite the corners of moab, and destroy all the children of sheth. Additionally, edom shall be a possession, seir shall also be a possession, and Israel will do valiantly. Finally, he stated that “out of jacob shall come he that shall have dominion, and shall destroy him that remaineth of the city“. There were then somber words predicting the demise of amalek, the kenites, asshur, and eber. Strong stuff.

Some have ventured that balaam’s vision was a prophecy of jesus, but that’s purely a speculative wish-fulfilling interpretation of the text.

After all his blessing and prophesying, balaam rose up and went home, and, oh yes, king balak went his way. That last bit was strange because in the past, the lord tended to do a bit of smiting when someone stood in the way of the Israelites, however not in this case.

Why exactly does the omniscient creator of the universe need a human prophet to bless approximately two million people? There’s no way that more than a few hundred or so of the two million could have heard the blessing, so was this blessing by a man purely for god’s gratification and entertainment? And what’s the point of receiving a blessing from someone who only did it because the lord forced the words into his mouth? And what exactly is a blessing anyway? And how does slaughtering animals help with the process? Fundies?

Chapter 25 – god murders 24,000 people and vexes the midianites.

This chapter reengages with the theme of genocide. Have you noticed how the book cycles through various themes – almost like human authors were ticking off a how-to sheet?

The Israelites had made it to shittim (location unknown today), however that seemed to be the green light for them to make whoopie with the daughters of moab. And worse, the Israelites thought it would be a good idea to bow down to the gods of the local people, e.g. a dude named baalpeor. This upset the lord, and we should probably side with the lord on this one. After all the anger and smiting that he’d been doing, I think he had the right to be taken seriously by now – especially after the effusive blessing delivered by balaam in the previous chapter.

Even though moses gave orders to the judges of Israel to slay everyone who had been joined to baalpeor, the lord stepped in and sent a plague to do the job properly. While this was happening, a dude named zimri (son of salu from the simeonite tribe) decided to “know” a midianitish woman (cozbi, daughter of zur) in the sight of all the congregation, and this caused a grandson of aaron (named phinehas, via eleazar) to grab a spear and thrust it through both zimri and cozbi.

It turns out that the plague sent by the lord killed 24,000 Israelites, however the lord admitted that the killing of the pair had turned his own wrath away from the rest of the Israelites. The lord then made a pact with phinehas that he and his descendants were to have the everlasting job of priesthood. Of course it doesn’t matter if they would be the best people for the job, it just became their right, forever.

The chapter concludes with the lord telling moses: “vex the midianites, and smite them” because they “vex you with their wiles“. Really, all of them doomed because of the actions of zimri and cozbi? In other parts of the texts (the book of judges) it is stated that there were about 135,000 men in the midianite army which would mean that there were more than 500,000 midianites in total. So the “loving” lord thinks it is fair to smite half a million people because one of his chosen people decides to have it away with one woman?

Out of interest lord, what did a (say) five-year-old midianite do to deserve a smiting? Why don’t the courts of today hand down rulings in which entire groups of people related to a guilty person are also punished (with death)? Tribalism is a horrible concept that is responsible for much of the trouble in the history of the world, but of course the ignorant and superstitious iron-age men who wrote the texts were big into tribalism.

This chapter is another case where the omniscient creator of the universe makes a decision that is then altered by the actions of a (mortal) human being. You’d think that such a being would be able to think more than one move ahead, but you’d be wrong.

Chapter 26 – god needs a second census. All but three from the first census are now dead.

This chapter concerns the taking of a second census of the Israelites, who by now been wandering in the desert for 40 years. However the chapter raises some interesting questions. The most obvious is why the omniscient creator of the universe couldn’t just glance at the Israelites and know the count of the people in front of him? Also note that the text is difficult to read because it tends to jump around a bit. There’s still a fair bit of this book (and the next) to go in the pentateuch, but this chapter has gone straight to the end of the 40 year lost-in-the-desert period.

To save time (so much time), the results of the count (of war-ready males 20 years and older) can be summarized as follows (with the number from the previous census given in brackets):

• Tribe reuben: 43,730 (was 46,500).
• Tribe simeon: 22,200 (was 59, 300). This is the mob who gave dissent in numbers 16.
• Tribe gad: 40,500 (was 45,650).
• Tribe judah: 76,500 (was 74,600).
• Tribe issachar: 64,300 (was 54,400).
• Tribe zebulun: 60,500 (was 57,400).
• Tribe ephraim: 32,500 (was 40,500).
• Tribe manasseh: 52,700 (was 32,200).
• Tribe benjamin: 45,600 (was 35,400).
• Tribe dan: 64,400 (was 62,700).
• Tribe asher: 53,400 (was 41,500).
• Tribe naphtali: 45,400 (was 53,400).

That’s a new total of 601,730. That’s down only 1,820 from the total of the previous census (603,550), so despite all the genocide, it looks like the Israelites managed to do a fair bit of multiplying while lost in the wilderness. The text also gives the names of the current tribal leaders and some of their recent parentage.

The lord then explains to moses that the promised lands would be divided proportionally based on the numbers obtained in the census. Therefore, more people equals more land. Disappointingly, and since accurate surveying wouldn’t be invented for well over 2,000 years, the technique for figuring out who gets precisely what (promised) land isn’t given in the text.

The levites then get totaled and the sum comes to 23,000, however that total was for all males one month and older. Remember that the levites were not to inherit any land. Forty years doesn’t seem that long in comparison to the rest of eternity that the levites would have to live on top of other people’s land.

The interesting bit comes right at the end of the chapter. The text tells us that apart from moses, caleb (son of jephunneh) and joshua (son of nun), not a single person counted in the first census was still alive at the time of the second census. Really, not a single twenty-year-old managed to live to be 60? Statistically, that’s incredibly unlikely. Especially since moses is supposed to have lived to twice that age.

And of course, once again, women and children and the elderly are entirely irrelevant to the text. So a 19 year old male at the time of the first census got to march happily into the promised land as a 59 year old (but his 20 year old mate had to perish)? So a 30 year old woman (dissenter or otherwise) got to enter the promised land as a 70 year old (dissenter or otherwise)?

It should be obvious to any reader that the numbers involved don’t make sense and have essentially been invented to try and make a story.

Chapter 27 – Five daughters change god’s mind when it comes to inheritance. moses hands the reins to joshua.

The best laid plans of gods and men…

Following the decision to apportion land based on the numbers presented in the previous chapter the daughters of zelophehad (son of hepher, son of gilead, son of machir, son of manasseh, all of the tribe of manasseh) stepped forward for a pow-wow with moses, eleazar the priest, the tribal leaders and the congregation. The daughters were named mahlah, noah, hoglah, milcah and tirzah and it turns out that they weren’t entirely happy with the proposed scheme. It seems that the problem was not that the land would be divided up according to numbers, it was that the land would only be given to the males counted in the census.

The ladies argued that since their father died without sons, they (as daughters) should inherit his share of the promised lands. To his credit, moses was sympathetic and brought the case to the attention of the lord. The lord decided that they had a case, and he came up with a whole set of inheritance laws:

• if there are no sons, inheritance will pass to the daughters,
• if there are no daughters, inheritance will pass to his brethren,
• if there are no brethren, inheritance will pass to his father’s brethren,
• if there are no father’s brethren, inheritance will pass to his kinsmen that are next to his family

Once again, the bewildering aspect to this is that it only took a few words from mortal humans to get the omniscience creator of the universe to change his mind. Couldn’t god come up with a plan to fairly share land on his first attempt?

But then came a downer. Remember how moses had dared to hit a rock twice to produce water for thirsty people, instead of speaking to it (numbers, chapter 20)? Well that awful decision now came back to haunt him. For some reason god decided that moses was to climb up the abarim mountain range so that he could see the promised lands that he would never enter. Cruel, very cruel.

It seems that moses was cool with the plan however he was worried about who would be in charge of the Israelites. The lord asked moses to put his hand on joshua (son of nun) and in the process hand over the duties of leadership. This moses did in the sight of eleazar the priest and the entire congregation – job done.

How the people in the tents that were miles away could see anything, is anyone’s guess? Perhaps they would get information by word of mouth the next day? And who would be as cool as moses was being? On many occasions the lord changed his mind after talking to a mere mortal, so there likely would been an excellent chance of moses entering the promised land after putting forward his (very strong) case. All a bit too neat perhaps?

Chapter 28 – A repeat of the rules of sacrifice.

For some reason, this chapter goes over the whole sacrificial-offerings rule book – again. Why couldn’t this have been added to the previous chapters that covered it? So, here’s a point-form summary:

• Daily: two spotless yearling lambs have to be made as burnt offerings – one in the morning and one in the evening. And…
  • a tenth part of an ephah of flour for a meat offering, mingled with the fourth part of an hin of beaten oil.
  • a fourth part of a hin of strong wine per lamb.
  • and on a sabbath day, an additional: two lambs, two tenth deals of flour with oil, and another portion of wine.
• Monthly (at the start of the month): two young bullocks, one ram, seven yearling spotless lambs. And…
  • For a burnt offering: three tenth deals of flour for a meat offering mingled with oil and half an hin of wine for each bullock, and two tenth deals of flour mingled with oil and a third part of an hin of wine for the ram, and a several tenth deal of flour mingled with oil and a fourth part of a hin of wine for a meat offering for each lamb.
  • For a sin offering: one kid of the goats.
• Passover (on the 14th of the 1st month)
  • For the seven following days (feast of first-fruits): unleavened bread will be eaten.
  • On the 1st and 7th days after passover, no work shall be done.
  • A burnt offering of: two young bullocks, one ram and seven yearling spotless lambs.
  • A meat offering of: flour mingled with oil in the quantity of three tenth deals per bullock, two tenth deals for the ram, and several tenth deals per lamb. And a goat.
  • A sin offering of: one kid of a goat.

We all know that the lord doesn’t actually eat, so that’s a nice supply of food for the inner circle of the tabernacle. There’s no mention about allowances if times are hard and people find it difficult to supply all the animals for sacrifice. It’s also not mentioned how the duty of offering all these animals was divided up among the two million Israelites camped around the tabernacle. Was there a roster?

Even though there was plenty of room to repeat much of the above, it’s going to be continued in the next chapter. It is worth repeating that the sheer weight of the texts is what convinces some people that they must be correct and divine, however if they only knew just how much repetition is present they might just change their minds. Of course those are the same people who haven’t actually read the texts.

Chapter 29 – A continuation of the repeat of the rules of sacrifice.

Unfortunately, the previous chapter wasn’t long enough to cover all the rules. Well, it would have been if all the repetition and waffle would have been omitted; sigh…

• Feast of trumpets (on the 1st of the 7th month).
  • No work shall be done.
  • A burnt offering of: one young bullock, one ram, and seven spotless yearling lambs.
  • A meat offering of: three tenth deals of flour mingled with oil for the bullock, two tenth deals for the ram, and one tenth deal per lamb.
  • A sin offering of: one kid of a goat.
• Day of atonement (on the 10th day of the 7th month).
  • No work shall be done.
  • A burnt offering of: one young bullock, one ram, and seven spotless yearling lambs.
  • A meat offering of: three tenth deals of flour mingled with oil for the bullock, two tenth deals for the ram, and several tenth deal per lamb.
  • A sin offering of: one kid of a goat.
• Feast of tabernacles (starting on the 15th day of the 7th month).
  • On the 15th (the 1st day):
    • no work to be done.
    • a burnt offering of: 13 young bullocks, two rams, and fourteen spotless yearling lambs.
    • a meat offering of: three tenth deals of flour mingled with oil per bullock, two tenth deals per ram, and several tenth deal per lamb.
    • a sin offering of: one kid of a goat.
  • On the 16th (the 2nd day):
    • a burnt offering of: 12 young bullocks, two rams, and fourteen spotless yearling lambs.
    • a meat offering and a drink offering of: according to their number (whatever that means).
    • a sin offering of: one kid of a goat.
  • On the 17th (the 3rd day):
    • a burnt offering of: 11 young bullocks, two rams, and fourteen spotless yearling lambs.
    • a meat offering and a drink offering of: according to their number.
    • a sin offering of: one goat.
  • On the 18th (the 4th day):
    • a burnt offering of: 10 young bullocks, two rams, and fourteen spotless yearling lambs.
    • a meat offering and a drink offering of: according to their number.
    • a sin offering of: one kid of a goat.
  • On the 19th (the 5th day):
    • a burnt offering of: 9 young bullocks, two rams, and fourteen spotless yearling lambs.
    • a meat offering and a drink offering of: according to their number.
    • a sin offering of: one goat.
  • On the 20th (the 6th day):
    • a burnt offering of: 8 young bullocks, two rams, and fourteen spotless yearling lambs.
    • a meat offering and a drink offering of: according to their number.
    • a sin offering of: one goat.
  • On the 21st (the 7th day):
    • a burnt offering of: 7 young bullocks, two rams, and fourteen spotless yearling lambs.
    • a meat offering and a drink offering of: according to their number.
    • a sin offering of: one goat.
  • On the 22nd (the eighth day):
    • no work to be done.
    • a burnt offering of: one young bullock, one ram, and seven spotless yearling lambs.
    • a meat offering and a drink offering of: according to their number.
    • a sin offering of: one goat.

And of course, throughout the eight days of the feast of tabernacles, the people were expected to make vows and freewill offerings in addition to the offered 71 bullocks, 15 rams, 105 lambs and assorted goats.

Who received all that protein, or was it discarded? It was way too much for the priests and it was nowhere near enough for the two million people squinting their eyes from miles away.

Still think a religion based on this nonsense is the right one for you? If so, let’s see how you feel after the next few chapters.

Chapter 30 – Misogynistic rules for vows. Divorce is permitted.

It’s been a long time since misogyny was the subject of the text, although it’s always implied based on male characters being the only ones involved in the bulk of the story. This chapter is going to address that – the absence, not the misogyny.

If a man makes a vow unto the lord, he is not permitted to break that vow. So far so good, although it would seem to be a good thing to do even if that vow was made to someone other than the lord.

However if a woman who is still living at home makes a vow unto the lord then things are a bit different. If her father hears the vow and says nothing then the vow stands, however if her father isn’t too keen then he has the right to veto and render the vow void. Apparently in those circumstances, the lord shall forgive her. How nice.

There’s a similar situation for married women in that a husband may veto his wife’s vow, but only on the day she made it. The difference is that the husband is expected to honor the vow that he disallowed. That’s something that you can imagine a wife having a lot of fun with (if only fun was a thing back then).

If a woman is a widow or is divorced then any vow she makes is binding. By the way, if any fundie starts to make noises about divorce not being permitted in their religion, then have them read numbers 30:9.

Chapter 31 – The genocide of the midianites – except for the female virgins, 32 of which go to god.

Okay, back to the theme of genocide, and this chapter makes a case for being one of the worst in any religious text, ever. First, the horrible story…

The previous talked-of vexing of the midianites now became a reality because the lord spake unto moses “avenge the children of Israel of the midianites“. Without questioning why, moses told the Israelites to arm themselves and to prepare for war. This they did by sending 1,000 from each tribe. The result was pretty successful because the 12,000 of them managed to murder all of the midianite soldiers. Yep, a 100% death rate. They also killed the five midianite kings (evi, rekem, zur, hur and reba), and surprisingly, they also murdered balaam, our old mate who seemed to do the right thing by blessing the Israelites in chapter 24.

The brave Israelites took the midianite women, children, and elderly captive and grabbed all of their cattle and goods. For some reason they then “burnt all their cities wherein they dwelt, and all their goodly castles“. Note that the 12,000 Israelites soldiers genocide in multiple cities.

After their “heroic” deeds, the Israelites returned to moses, eleazar the priest, and all the princes of the congregation – who for some reason had not bothered to go to battle with the 1,000 men from each of their tribes. However moses was “wroth” with what he saw and asked why all of the captured women were still alive? He then commanded that all of the captured males (children) and all of the non-virgin women were to be killed: “but all the women children, that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves“. So “women children” fundies? Are you sure you want to hitch your wagon to this train?

He then gave instruction that anyone who had killed someone (which had to be everyone, right?), and anyone that had touched a dead body had to stay outside the camp for seven days. They were to purify themselves and their captives on the third and seventh day. They also had to purify any clothes that were made from skins or goat hair, and anything that was made from wood. They also had to purify anything that could withstand some fire (gold, silver, brass, iron, tin and lead) with fire. Then, everything had to be purified with the water of separation (recipe given earlier). Finally, after washing all clothes on the seventh day, “ye shall be clean, and afterward ye shall come into the camp“.

Then it came time to sort out the spoils of war, and the lord himself handed out the instructions. The prey that was taken was to be divided into two parts: one for those who went to war (soldiers) and one for the congregation (general population). Of the half given to those who went to war, 1/500 was to be given to the levites to act as a tribute to the lord. Of the half given to the congregation, 1/10 was to be given to the levites for themselves. The numbers are also given and they break down like this:

• 675,000 sheep: 336,825 to the soldiers, 675 as an offering to the lord, 33,750 to the levites, 303,750 to the congregation.
• 72,000 cattle: 35,928 to the soldiers, 72 as an offering to the lord, 3,600 to the levites, 32,400 to the congregation.
• 61,000 donkeys: 30,439 to the soldiers, 61 as an offering to the lord, 3,050 to the levites, 27,450 to the congregation.
• 32,000 female virgins (numbers 31:35): divided thus:
  • 16,000 to “them that took the war upon them, who went out to battle” (numbers 31:27), divided thus:
    • 15,968 to the soldiers. “And levy a tribute unto the lord … one soul of 500” (numbers 31:28), so 16,000 – 32 were left for the soldiers after god got the use of 32 virgins.
    • 32 “unto eleazar the priest, for an heave offering of the lord” (numbers 31:29) and “of which the lord’s tribute was 32 persons” (numbers 31:40)
  • 16,000 “between all the congregation” (numbers 31:27), divided thus:
    • 15,680 to the congregation (“take one portion of 50, of the persons, … and give them unto the levites” (numbers 31:30), so 16,000 – 320 were left for the congregation.
    • 320 to the levites.

There was also mention of things like jewels, gold, chains, bracelets, rings, earrings and tablets. It seems that moses and eleazar the priest took the gold and jewels. Out of that, the gold that was offered to the lord was 16,750 shekels. Apparently “the men of war had taken spoil, every man for himself“.

So, how’s that for a chapter? Here’s a list of problems and troublesome issues from the chapter:

• Why did the lord feel the need to utterly destroy the midianites? One of their woman (cozbi) had sex with one of the Israelites (zimri), and the chapter in which that happens (chapter 25, above) concludes with the lord telling moses: “vex the midianites, and smite them” because they “vex you with their wiles“. Really, that’s the justification for genocide?
• In the book of judges, it is stated that there were about 135,000 men in the midianite army, which would mean that there were more than 500,000 midianites in total. So half a million people (minus 32,000 virgins) killed because the Israelites were “vexed”?
• If the Israelites sent 12,000 soldiers, then the midianite army was just over 11 times the size of the Israelite army. In the days of manual weapons such as swords and spears, it’s ludicrous to believe that an army of 12,000 could wipe out every single soldier in an army of 135,000, especially when the 135,000 are defending their own territory in their own cities. It’s a fantasy.
• If the 135,000 midianite soldiers were defeated then they did not all die immediately. Some would have been wounded and some no doubt would have surrendered and appealed for help. The 12,000 Israelites must have systematically gone through the wounded and killed every single one. There’s no mention of PTSD, so perhaps that didn’t exist in those days?
• Why the murder of balaam? He was someone who had refused to do the wrong thing by the Israelites; and on the contrary, he blessed them.
• The Israelites then completely destroyed the midianite cities. Why? There were going to be no more midianites to inhabit the cities, so why the destruction of property that someone else could have used?
• Upon returning from battle with the prisoners, moses ordered that all of the captured males (children) and all of the non-virgin women were to be killed. What exactly did the children do wrong? Imagine a brave Israelite holding up a one-year-old midianite infant and slicing him with a sword. And all the elderly were obviously killed either during or after the battle. Since the text tells us that there were 32,000 female virgins, then the Israelites killed about 468,000 people.
• How was the virginity of the midianite women determined? It was a specific instruction from the lord, however the men of the time were not able to determine it. How could the soldiers who had just marched into a city determine which women had lain with a man? Did they just guess based on age? And what was that age? Was a 12 year old who had not had sex kept alive to be used? What about a 30 year old woman who was a genuine virgin? Was she assumed to have lain with a man because of her age? Did they just assume and trust whether someone was wearing a ring?
• What does “keep alive for yourselves” mean when it comes to virgins? Was it just to have sex with? Remember that the midianites were the people who were to be vexed, so did the Israelites end up falling in love with the virgin women and form long-term relationships, or did they just use them for sex and then abandon them?
• Why did the congregation need virgins? If it wasn’t just to have sex with, then why would the virginity of a person be relevant to their work ethic, e.g. if they were to be used as forced labor slaves? Wouldn’t it be better to use the people who were honest and hard working (rather than the ones who hadn’t had sex)?
• How did the Israelite women feel about 32,000 female virgins being let loose into the congregation?
• What did the levites (the keepers of the tabernacle) do with their 1,600 female virgins?
• What did the lord do with his 32 virgins? That is really troubling. Did the lord find a way to have sex with them? Did the lord want to begin long-term relationships with them? Or were the female virgins destined to become sacrificial offerings? The text says that the virgins were to become “heave” offerings, which suggests that after a ceremonial offering to the lord, the virgins were to be given to the priests for their use? What was that use? Why wouldn’t the lord require other qualities (such as loyalty, hard work, honesty, etc.) as opposed to the state of being a virgin? And what were the priests (the levites) going to do with 32 more virgins since they already got their 1,600 virgins.
• If the use was to have “pure” slaves, then how is purity to be defined? Why is it just about whether someone has had sex? Surely a non-virgin who is honest and kind is a better slave than a nasty virgin who has bad habits?
• The combined total of captured animals was 808,000 beasts. That’s clearly ridiculous. Remember that they were supposed to be lost in the desert/wilderness and they were always complaining about the lack of food, so exactly how were 808,000 animals fed and watered? Can 12,000 soldiers (if they all lived after the battles) physically herd 808,000 animals back to the Israelite camp from the midianite cities?
• Why are people considered unclean because they touch a dead body? That’s just superstitious nonsense. Why is necessary to separate for one week to be cleansed? Why have to wash things on the third and seventh day? How does “water of separation” purify?
• 16,750 shekels of gold is about 420 pounds (190 kilograms) of gold. As of 2026, that’s worth about US $25 million. And that was just the amount that was offered to the lord. Perhaps some of the priestly Israelites were not quite as poorly off as they would like to appear?

Based on the text being the words left to his beloved creation by the omniscient creator of the universe, how do you feel about associating yourself with the results of that text – if that’s the way you’ve gone? If you disassociate yourself from this particular text, how are you determining which words of your god you are entitled to ignore?

Creationists sometimes try to weasel out of the horror of 32 female virgins being required by their lord and savior. They claim that their god was innocent of all that and he was only being offered the gals. After all, it’s not your fault if something thinks it’s important that you receive 32 female virgins and offers them to you, say while you are out shopping. There are problems with the “innocent” theory:

• The very next verse (to the one where 32 is mentioned) states: “And moses gave the tribute, which was the lord’s heave offering, unto eleazar the priest, as the lord commanded moses” (numbers 31:41). So no, god was not innocent. It was his desire to have 32 female virgins for his own use.
• At no point did god state that it was wrong to offer up people, let alone 32 female virgins (or indeed the entire set of 32,000 virgins). He could have made a statement condemning the practice somewhere in the approximately 658,000 words that follow numbers 31 (in the old and new testaments), but didn’t.
• In case the creationist who is trying to weasel out isn’t big on the old testament (except for the bits or it that they want other people to follow), it’s easy to remind them that their god sent along someone else (hint: jesus) who wasted no time in stating that the old testament was correct (john 10:35, matthew 15:3, mark 7:13, matthew 5:17-18). So jesus was aware of the practice of offering up 32 female virgins and didn’t condemn it. Seeing the importance of using female virgins as slaves must run in the family.

Chapter 32 – By committing genocide, the tribes of reuben, gad and manasseh got first picks of the promised lands.

The tribes of reuben and gad had been peeking into the promised lands and had spied some juicy prospects for all their cattle. They had a word with moses and eleazar the priest and explained that the region of Gilead was just right. Gilead is in modern day Jordan and is bounded to the west by the Jordan River, to the north by the river Yarmouk, to the southwest by the plains of Moab, but with no clear boundary to the east. The main city that they took a liking to was jazer, however there is debate about where that was. Other cities that took their fancy included: ataroth, dibon, nimrah, heshbon, elealeh, shebam, nebo and beon.

This initially made moses very angry however he came up with a plan. He told the two tribes that if they were willing to first go to war to wipe out the enemies in the land of Canaan then they would be given the lands they were requesting. The actual wiping out is not described in the chapter, but the text concludes with the fulfillment of the promise:

• The tribe of gad got dibon, ataroth, aroer, atroth, shophan, jaazer, jogbehah, bethnimrah and bethharan.
• The tribe of reuben got heshbon, elealeh, kirjathaim, nebo, baalmeon and shibmah (although apparently they decided to rename those cities).
• For some reason, the tribe of manasseh got in on the deal and received the city of gilead (after disposing of the amorites that lived there). They also grabbed the small nearby towns and called them havothjair. Someone called nobah took the village of kenath and renamed it with his own name.

The chapter is short, but not so sweet. Remember that the simple handing out of land is based on multiple instances of genocide.

Chapter 33 – A summary of the 40-year journey of the Israelites in the wilderness.

This chapter is mainly a travelogue of the Israelites’ (supposed) 40-year journey from Egypt to the doorstep of the promised land. It ends with brief instructions about how they are to enter the promised land – via the destruction of the canaanites. Here’s a summary of the journey:

• Departed Rameses in Egypt on the 15th January, the day after god murdered all of the first-born of Egypt (passover). The problem here is that Rameses (actually, Pi-Ramesses) only covered about 6 square miles (15 square kilometers) and potentially only housed 300,000 people at its peak – so where the two million Israelites lived is less clear. Even if they came from the greater Rameses region, that’s still an incredulous number.
• Camped at succoth.
• Camped at etham (now reached the edge of the wilderness).
• Camped before migdol, by way of pihahiroth which is before baazephon.
• Camped at marah after three days in the wilderness of etham.
• Camped at elim where they found 12 fountains of water and 70 palm trees. Hmmm, 70 palm trees for two million people?
• Camped by the Red sea.
• Camped in the wilderness of sin.
• Camped at dophkah.
• Camped at alush.
• Camped at rephidim (where there was no water to drink).
• Camped in the wilderness (desert) of sinai.
• Camped at kibrothhattaavah.
• Camped at hazeroth.
• Camped at rithmah.
• Camped at rimmonparez.
• Camped at libnah.
• Camped at rissah.
• Camped at kehelathah.
• Camped at shapher.
• Camped at haradah.
• Camped at makheloth.
• Camped at tahath.
• Camped at tarah.
• Camped at mithcah.
• Camped at hashmonah.
• Camped at moseroth (where aaron died and eleazar took over).
• Camped at benejaakan.
• Camped at horhagidgad.
• Camped at jotbathah.
• Camped at ebronah.
• Camped at eziongaber.
• Camped at kadesh in the wilderness of zin.
• Camped on mount hor, on the edge of the land of edom. We are now 40 years into the journey. This is where aaron died and apparently he was 123 years old when he died. This is also when king arad the canaanite heard of the coming of the Israelites. That was 32 camps in 40 years, so they spent an average of one year and three months at each camp.
• Camped at zalmonah.
• Camped at punon.
• Camped at oboth.
• Camped at ijeabarim on the border of moab.
• Camped at dibongad.
• Camped at almondiblathaim.
• Camped in the mountains of abarim, before nebo.
• Camped on the plains of moab by Jordan near Jericho.
• Camped  by Jordan, from bethjesimoth even unto abelshittim in the plains of moab.

The strange thing about all these camps after mount hor is that it does lessen the 40-year theme that seemed to be so important. If they had previously spent about 1.25 years at each camp, then it seems reasonable to conclude that they could have spent an additional 10 years or so in the camps after mount hor.

Anyhoo, at the latest camp the lord had a word to moses for the time had come to progress into the land of Canaan by driving out all the inhabitants of those lands. They were also instructed to destroy all the canaanite “pictures and molten images, and to pluck down all their high places“.

In terms of allocated lands, the size was to be based on “lot”, which seemed to be based on the size of each tribe. There was no further word on which tribes would get which lands (besides the tribes or reuben and gad which were covered in the previous chapter).

Then there came a stern word from god who reminded the Israelites that if they let any canaanites remain then they “shall be pricks in your eyes, and thorns in your sides, and shall vex you in the land wherein you dwell“. Finally comes an ominous warning from god: “moreover it shall come to pass, that I shall do unto you, as I thought to do unto them” (should the Israelites not remove all the canaanites from the promised lands). Assuming that the canaanites were not that keen to just pack up and leave, that would have to mean a fair bit more genocide. Luckily, the Israelites were experts at genocide.

Chapter 34 – A geography lesson by god to define the promised lands.

This chapter is a geography lesson from the lord via moses. It details the extent of the lands the Israelites were about to invade. The following is more or less the exact way the text describes the convoluted definition of land:

• The southern border: shall be from the wilderness of zin along by the coast of edom. The border shall turn from the south to the ascent of akrabbim and pass on to zin, and the going forth thereof shall be from the south to kadeshbarnea, and shall go on to hazaraddar, and pass on to azmon. The border shall fetch a compass from azmon unto the river of Egypt.
• The western border: shall be the great sea (the Mediterranean).
• The northern border: from mount hor ye shall point out your border unto the entrance of Hamath; and the goings forth of the border shall be to zedad. And the border shall go on to ziphron, and the goings out of it shall be at hazarenan.
• The eastern border: from hazarenan to shepham, then to riblah on the east side of ain; and the border shall descend, and shall reach unto the side of the sea of chinnereth. The border shall then go down to Jordan and the going out of it shall be at the salt sea.

It’s supposedly the area defined by the red line in the following image:

It’s important to remember that the location of just about every place described in the bible is either unknown or disputed today.

Then moses reminded everyone that the tribes of reuben and gad, and half the tribe of manasseh had received their inheritance (on this side of Jordan near Jericho eastward).

When it came to dividing the land, the lord deferred the task to eleazar the priest and to joshua the son of nun. Here’s the break down of the remaining tribes:

• Tribe judah: caleb, son of jephunneh.
• Tribe simeon: shemuel, son of ammihud.
• Tribe benjamin: elidad, son of chislon.
• Tribe dan: bukki, son of jogli.
• Tribe manasseh: hanniel, son of ephod.
• Tribe ephraim: kemuel, son of shiphtan.
• Tribe zebulun: elizaphan, son of parnach.
• Tribe issachar: paltiel, son of azzan.
• Tribe asher: ahihud, son of shelomi.
• Tribe naphtali: pedahel, son of ammihud.

Chapter 35 – The levites get 42 cities plus 6 for those accused of manslaughter. Rules for killing.

The lord then reminded everyone (via moses) that the levites (who were bypassed a direct inheritance of land) were to be given cities in which to dwell and suburbs around those cities for their cattle. In fact, the suburbs get very well defined as occupying the land that is 2,000 cubits in from all the edges of the city. That’s about 3,000 feet (915 meters).

It then becomes weird because a further instruction was given that in addition to the 42 cities given to the levites, there were to be 6 cities allocated where people who were accused of manslaughter could go for refuge until trial. What? How much accidental killing was going on that six entire cities had to be allocated as refuges? Why couldn’t existing cities be used while the case was adjudicated? So that’s a total of 48 cities given to the levites. That also seems a bit strange since they were told that they weren’t to own any land. Were they paying rent on entire cities? The six refuge cities were divided: three on this side of the Jordan and three in the land of Canaan.

The text then points out that whoever murders via an instrument of iron, or via a thrown stone, or via a hand weapon of wood shall surely be put to death – and by a revenger of blood (e.g. an annoyed relative).

If, on the other hand, the killing was accidental, then the killer would have to wait in the city of refuge until the death of the high priest. Instead of waiting, if the killer ventured outside the city of refuge then the revenger would be entitled to kill – without punishment. What does that all mean in practice? Can you imagine being in those “refuge” cities? And who would want to be a high priest in a refuge city with all those guys accused of manslaughter waiting for you to die? What possible reason could the death of one person have to do with the sentence imposed?

The text then makes it clear that there had to be more than one witness to a killing to result in a sentence of death for the killer. Additionally, no satisfaction was to be obtained from either the act of someone having to take refuge in one of the six cities, or when a death sentence was carried out. For some reason, it was thought that an incorrect revenge killing would spill blood that would defile land outside of a refuge city, and the only way to cleanse that land would be via the blood of the person who killed the killer. Why?

It seems that there were an awful lot of people who weren’t aware of the commandment: thou shalt not kill. It’s pretty simple when stated like that (say, on a stone tablet with no qualification), however it seems that in god’s “real” world, things weren’t quite that simple. Hmmmm.

Chapter 36 – god insists on racism for all future generations.

This is a short chapter that pretty much dooms all subsequent generations to petty lives of mistrust, barbarism, inbreeding and retribution.

It was made clear to everyone that people had to marry within their own tribe. This was done to preserve inheritance. The specific case of the daughters of zelophehad was mentioned (see chapter 27) as it was made clear that they had to marry within the tribe of their father.

The book finishes with: “these are the commandments and the judgments, which the lord commanded by the hand of moses unto the children of Israel in the plains of Moab by Jordan near Jericho“.

Thoughts

So the book of numbers is another horrific book that defies belief and has zero relevance to anyone who managed to live at a time other than approximately 3,500 years ago.

There is a case to be argued that tribalism is one of the worst approaches to society and has led to nothing but trouble over the millennia – but the lord says nuts to that. Remember that a baby is not born tribal; instead, tribalism is taught to it when it becomes old enough to understand hate. John Lennon had a point when he sang:

Imagine there’s no countries

It isn’t hard to do

Nothing to kill or die for

And no religion, too.

What does “wandering” in the wilderness for 40 years even mean? On numerous occasions the Israelites were in close proximity to the promised lands, so why didn’t they make a run for it? Really, not a single person out of the 2 million decided “stuff this lark, I’m outta here” and then walked a week or two to get to Jerusalem as opposed to getting old and dying in the desert? They offered plenty of dissent along the way, so simply walking out doesn’t seem like such a stretch?

And was it really “wilderness”? It sure seems like the Israelites were at plenty of named places, and they certainly were in the cities of those who they committed genocide against.

It would take a minimum of around 600 to 2,400 square kilometers (233 to 933 square miles) for two million people to camp, but the actual area could be much larger depending on the layout, terrain, and the needs for resources like water and food. So, going with the minimum of that estimate (600 square kilometers), that’s a circular area with a radius of at least 14 kilometers (about 9 miles), and that distance would increase to 28 kilometers (17 miles) if the maximum area estimate was taken. Even though two trumpets were owned and used for communication, how is it possible to coordinate activities in an area that large? On a moving day, the tabernacle would have to travel at least 14 kilometers just to get to where the most distant tents had been pitched the previous night.

Apart from literally everything, what’s really strange about the book is that most of it seems to be written based on there being far fewer people involved than the censuses stated there to be. One wouldn’t go as far as to say that any part was believable, but if the number of people were reduced to a few thousand, some of the stories make more (vague) sense. Of course, fewer numbers would mean that it’s even more incredulous that the Israelites could simply march in and kill entire cities – including 100% of their trained soldiers.

However it’s all blown apart when it’s realized that there were close to two million people involved – by the text’s own multiple census takings. It does seem like most of the book was written based on a much smaller crowd and then at the last moment, someone, who didn’t read any of it, decided to inflate the census numbers. That’s weird, and certainly not the infallible word of a perfect god.

The elephant in the room is the one of “chosen people” and “promised lands”. The text is very clear that the lands promised were to go to the tribes mentioned in the text. How do modern-day Jews determine that their ancestors were part of the tribes that supposedly left Egypt (and which ones)? Many obviously weren’t, however that doesn’t seem to deter the Israeli government from glossing over the facts and just blanket claiming that the lands were promised to all of them.

The story continues in the book of deuteronomy.